#368 we were young (it wasn't real love)

[seokmonsters]

Title: we were young (it wasn't real love)
Pairing: Minseok/Luhan
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 14.7k
Warnings: Language, mild violence
Summary: Minseok has been on autopilot for the past two years of his life until the appearance of his former best friend, Luhan. School 2013!AU.

Author's Notes: I hope this prompt turned out to the liking of the prompter, as well as the readers! I had a lot of fun writing this. Thank you, M, for the helpful advice suggestions, and thank you, M2 for providing me with inspiration. Most of all, a huge thank you to the Seokmonster mods for letting me be a part of this fest, and for being patient with me!



“Minseok.”

No response.

“Kim Minseok!”

The sound of a wooden ruler coming into contact with his desk is what brings Minseok back to the reality of vandalised desks and unfilled lines in textbooks. Kim Minseok tears his eyes away from the soccer game outside to look at his unimpressed teacher, Mr Zhang. The alien language on the board tells Minseok that it’s math class and the unanswered question on the board speaks of his fate in the next two minutes.

“Kim Minseok, show your attentiveness to this class by answering the problem.”

It’s one of those questions that Minseok hates. There’s a symbol that looks like the letter E with zigzags, like the letter M rotated to the left. Saving himself from further embarrassment, Minseok knows that he can only do one thing.

“I don’t know the answer,” he says. Some of his classmates who have the slightest bit of human decency decide to look away, while others look more interested in the exchange that’s about to take place.

“Maybe if you take all the concentration that you had looking outside and change it into something productive, you might be able to graduate.”

Knowing what’s expected of him, Minseok bows a good ninety degrees, all the while apologising in the process. Some snicker at him and the others look at him, mostly with pity, wondering how he’s unable to grasp the concept of sigma. When the bell rings dismissing the students, Minseok doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse that he’s free from school for the rest of the day.

~~

He wakes up too late. Minseok jolts awake when something at his subconscious nags at him, namely the absence of an alarm going off at the right time. The rays of sunlight filtering through his window tells Minseok that it’s not 6:30 A.M., and that’s what gets him to get up from bed. There are unanswered text messages on his phone - most of which are from his homeroom teacher, endless questions about his whereabouts.

As he picks up a fruit to make up for his missed breakfast, Minseok grumbles as he recollects the reason for his tardiness. The night before, he was out until late doing his part time job since a customer had requested for ice cream to be delivered when they lived a good forty-five minutes away from Minseok’s place. It was a ridiculous job, especially since he didn’t get paid when the customer found that their ice cream had melted. This is one of those times in which Minseok envies the teenagers who have their parents supporting them financially.

When he enters the classroom, no one looks surprised to see him. The English teacher reaches out for a note explaining his tardiness, and Minseok takes out the note that he had forged earlier. Once he has confirmed that everything is back to normal, Minseok takes his seat and rests his head on the desk, much to the discontent of his classmates.

“Does he ever do work?” One of the girls ask.

The one sitting next to him called Baekhyun shakes his head. “He doesn’t even talk.”

Minseok turns his head away from the class but he listens in on the questions about himself and his intentions of going to school. He hears a particular comment about being on autopilot, probably the most accurate observation anyone has made about him. He shuts his eyes and allows himself catch up on sleep, when a tight grip on his shoulder sends alarming signals throughout his body.

“Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.”

It’s quite sad that although Minseok’s eyes are closed, his ears are not. Granted, his senses don’t work that way, but his wishful thinking is what gets him through the day. It doesn’t hurt to be the slightest bit optimistic when his life is going down the drain.

“What,” Minseok groans, knowing that being silent for too long would only prompt more anger. He opens his eyes to look up at Oh Sehun, knowing that his classmate values the respect that he gets from the rest of the class.

“What do you mean ‘what’,” Sehun deadpans. Despite the cold hardness of his desk, Minseok’s cheek refuses to part with it. When Chanyeol and Zitao step up from behind Sehun, Minseok hesitantly pulls himself up, not wanting to deal with the three of them in one morning. Having Sehun breathing down his neck is more than enough.

“Go buy me milk and bread,” Sehun continues, ignoring the uninterested look on Minseok’s face. As expected, Sehun doesn’t offer any money to compensate for the errand. Minseok swears he can almost hear his pocket money begging for mercy.

“Why don’t you go get it yourself?” Minseok replies with a monotone voice, albeit a little too loudly. “You have long legs. Go use them. They’ll grow even longer if you drink more milk.”

His seatmate, Baekhyun, shoots him a fearful look. Minseok can only shrug, knowing that the only reason why Sehun likes to pick on him is because of his hesitance in acknowledging him as the most respected member of their class. Maybe it’s because of that blasted customer from the night before, but Minseok is anything but patient today. The feeling of regret over his snarky comment soon hits him when Zitao leans down to meet him eye to eye.

“What did you say?” Zitao asks, his eyes looking darker by the second.

“Zitao,” Sehun reprimands his friend, “not now.” He cocks his head to the side, and Zitao takes that as his cue to step back. Minseok continues to hold his breath, staring down the three guys who look unimpressed with his attitude. Seeing that Minseok isn’t going to budge and such an exchange during school hours is useless, Sehun leads his friends out of the classroom.

Once he’s certain they’re out of sight, Minseok lets out an exasperated sigh. Baekhyun shoots him a questioning look but he turns away before Baekhyun has the chance to utter a word. Minseok picks up his backpack, deciding that the school day is too long for his liking.

“Where are you going?”

Minseok stares at his classmate looking at him with concerned eyes. Kim Jongdae has always been a kind and considerate soul, Minseok has to give him that much; but he also gets involved in things that he shouldn’t think twice about, namely Minseok’s wellbeing.

“Going to buy lunch,” Minseok says. Jongdae raises an eyebrow and that’s all it takes for Minseok’s lie to fall apart.

Jongdae places his hands on Minseok’s arms, turning him around before leading him back onto his seat. “Just don’t pay them any attention, Minseok-ah.” He pauses for a moment before taking out a carton of milk and placing it on Minseok’s desk like a gift.

There’s an unpleasant feeling stirring in the pit of Minseok’s stomach as he reaches out for the milk box with the intention of returning it to its rightful owner, but at the sight of Jongdae’s soft eyes, Minseok knows that it’s hopeless. He spends the rest of his lunch time staring at the damned carton, wondering why it’s making him feel guilty.

~~

Minseok should really know when to keep his mouth shut. It’s one of those things that he has written on “Things to Improve On” on the back of his mind but has never gotten around to doing so. If there’s anything he can commend himself for, it’s his sense of intuition. As he turns around the corner into an alleyway, the cold and tense atmosphere is more than enough to send chills down his spine.

“Look, we caught a rat,” says a deep voice. There’s a saying that one can always hear Park Chanyeol before they see him. Knowing the group’s tendency to never go to places alone and acknowledging that his short legs can’t beat Chanyeol’s longer limbs, Minseok braces himself for what’s about to come. He doesn’t have to turn around to know that Sehun is standing right behind him.

“Just get this over and done with,” Minseok mutters under his breath. There are no sarcastic comments or threats, only the incomings of experienced fists. Minseok places his hands over his head as he feels his knees give underneath him. He winces in pain as a leg makes a particularly sharp contact with his ribs. He gasps for air as breathing begins to become difficult, all the while looking up at the other end of the alleyway, curious as to how there aren’t any passersby who seem to show the slightest hint of having a conscience.

Knowing that this isn’t going to end soon, Minseok shuts his eyes tight, enduring the pain. There’s a voice nagging at the back of his mind screaming, this is enough, fight back! Minseok breathes sharply through his nose, his muscles tense as he prepares himself for his counterattack. He pushes himself up from the ground, kneeling up to see the look of satisfaction on Sehun’s face. Just as Zitao is about to deliver another punch, a hand firmly grips Zitao’s, stopping him from further movements.

“What is this?”

The sound of the newcomer’s voice chills Minseok to the bone. Zitao turns to the intruder with a vicious look in his eye, whereas the latter just looks at him with nothing but a sweet smile on his face.

“Oh, Minseok,” says the intruder, “I didn’t see you there. I take it that you’re having a great time with your new friends.”

Exhausted and frozen, Minseok can only form one thought at the sight of the intruder. One: Perhaps Minseok isn’t as fit anymore. Two: Puberty hasn’t done much to change Luhan.

~~

Fate seems to despise Minseok. His mother’s death when he was four is more than enough proof, especially when it created a barrier in the relationship between Minseok and his father, who now works in the countryside. If there was anything that fate did to show its complexity to Minseok, it happens on the following Monday when the morning greetings are over, cueing his time to sleep.

The unusual, pregnant and expectant silence that follows instead of the morning announcements should have warned Minseok of something unusual, but it’s the following words that makes him tense in his seat.

“We have a transfer student. Please introduce yourself.”

Sensing an ominous aura, Minseok turns his head towards the front to welcome the newcomer. When the transfer student says, “I’m Luhan, please take care of me,” with a calculating look in Minseok’s direction, it’s when he’s finally reminded of how cruel fate can be. Minseok wants to point his fingers at fate, blaming it for these circumstances, but he knows that what goes around comes around. He knows that fate will always make a way of tying those loose ends, whether Minseok likes it or not.

He takes a glance to his right, where Luhan is sitting two groups away from him, only to find that the transfer student is looking back at him with a cold, hard glare. All of Minseok’s defences fall apart with that one look: he feels something clawing at him at the pit of his stomach, tearing his insides apart, making his heart sink into oblivion. He takes a shallow, shaky breath, becoming aware of how difficult it is to breathe. Maybe it’s always been this difficult to live.

~~

For reasons that Minseok will never understand, people love to talk – about the current events, the weather, the entertainment industry, but nothing irks him more than hearing people talk about others, creating speculations that are wilder than the most popular television drama. But that’s why they love it even more – when there’s something out of the ordinary that’s in their midst, they’ll turn it into the biggest plot twists they can ever come up with.

“I heard he was sold to a Chinese group as a slave when he was younger,” says the guy sitting in front of Minseok, as they dwell in the silence between classes. “And that he fought his way out of China to get here.”

That sounds like it could be a novel.

Sensing the juicy gossip, Baekhyun chirps up: “I heard he was a prostitute smuggled into South Korea.”

Shut up, Baekhyun.

“Nah,” says another. “There are rumours surrounding his name saying that he was the best fighter in Gyeonggi-do.”

Minseok tenses in his seat, his mind racing at a hundred kilometres per hour. How in the world do these people come up with such rumours? Judging from his seat, he can tell that Luhan heard that comment, too. Looking at the vacant look on his face, one would think that he is ignorant of the gossip about him. His clenched fist says otherwise.

As if on cue, the door opens as Sehun walks into the room followed by Zitao and Chanyeol. The chattering stops as Sehun walks towards Luhan, stopping by his desk and staring him down. Luhan tightens his jaw but doesn’t say a word as Sehun looms over him, the smirk on his face looking more cynical by the second. Minseok’s heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach when Sehun looks at Luhan like he’s a meal he’s about to devour. Luhan maintains his cool, staring back at Sehun with an equally threatening glare. Minseok will never understand the need for a hierarchy in high schools, and why students are so worked up about them to this kind of level.

“He’s just a pretty face with a big mouth. Nothing special about that.”

“Oh Sehun,” snaps the math teacher. The class looks up to Mr Zhang with wide, curious eyes, surprised at how quietly he entered the classroom. “Go back to your seat and stop disrupting the class.”

Without the slightest hint of regret or any signs of apology, Sehun turns to take his seat, not missing the sight of Luhan’s lips curving up into a smile. Minseok wonders why that good-looking piece of shit couldn’t make things easier for himself.

“And Luhan, please solve the first question on page fifty-two of the text book.”

The class scrambles to open their books to the designated page. Any student at Converse High knows better than to get on Mr Zhang’s bad book. Luhan looks down on his desk, and it’s then when Minseok realises that it’s completely clean of any signs of stationery.

“I don’t have any books,” Luhan answers as Mr Zhang gestures for him to stand.

“I thought you wanted to graduate this year,” Mr Zhang reprimands him. “It’s hard to do that when you don’t own any text books. Do you even have any interest in graduating or do you want to be held back by a year again?”

Collectively, the class turns to Luhan with sharp, prying eyes. Luhan looks at their teacher with a cold, hard stare, before he mutters, “I want to graduate. I will do things when I can, and I will do my best.”

Baekhyun looks up at Luhan in awe, and Minseok wonders how many insects could get trapped in Baekhyun’s dropped jaw.

“He’s a year older than us?” The class murmurs in a somewhat amazed and respectful tone. Minseok can understand their surprise: with Luhan’s wide, almond eyes and angelic face, one wouldn’t even dare to think that Luhan is over the age of sixteen.

“Quiet,” Mr Zhang says, and the whisperings stop. He takes one last look at Luhan before continuing, “Let’s proceed with the lesson. Luhan, make sure that you get the supplies you need if you want to graduate. You can’t just hope to sleep through your classes and expect to graduate.” The math teacher turns his head in Minseok’s direction, and the rest of the class follow his gaze. Minseok raises his head and gives his teacher a lazy grin resembling that of the Cheshire cat’s.

~~

It’s a quarter past nine in the evening when Minseok finishes his part time job. The thought of a peaceful night of rest is more appealing than anything else, even more than the smell of freshly cooked street food. He thinks about buying ramen, but the sight of the bookstore nearby stops him in his tracks. Minseok opens his wallet to look at his total sum, and decides that his ramen can wait.

He walks through the aisles, taking down the appropriate supplies before spending the money that he earned after a week of hard work. With a polite smile and a lighter heart and wallet, Minseok walks out of the shop and turns around the familiar-looking corner that leads to a street of long ago.

He stops walking when he reaches the house with a black gate with an old abandoned pet cage inside. Two years ago, there were two dogs and the gate had been a sharp, bright red colour: a careless paint job done to honour Manchester United. Minseok takes a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. The answer comes a few moments later, in the form of a ten year old girl bouncing down the front steps of her house, pigtails swaying from side to side along with a bright grin on her face.

“Seokkie! Is that you?”

The sound of the nickname hits Minseok with a wave of nostalgia, and the images of a crib and old Doraemon dolls come to mind. A much older woman appears by the gate before Minseok gets the chance to reply to the little girl.

“Minseok.” He doesn’t know why, but with just one word – his name – he can feel the disappointment and resentment seeping through her bones.

“I… uh…”

“What are you doing here?” She asks once she’s recovered from the shock of seeing the boy at her door. Minseok has never been good with words, so he raises the plastic bags full of his purchases as his form of reply. He’s suddenly not sure if this was a good idea.

“I… I wanted to give this to Lu-”

“What are you doing here?” Luhan walks out to join the rest of his family. He bends down to his sister’s height and coaches her to going back into the house. He turns to his mother who is looking at Minseok with furrowed brows and a worried frown on her face. “It’s okay, mom, I can take it from here.”

His mother protests, looking between the two guys, before realising that there is no way for her to win this. She turns to Minseok one last time before saying, “stay away from Luhan.”

They remain quiet for a few moments, waiting to hear the sound of a door closing for the sake of their privacy. Once they’re certain that Luhan’s family isn’t within hearing range, Luhan turns to Minseok with a raised eyebrow.

“I would like to say that my mom is overreacting as usual, but she isn’t.”

“I know,” Minseok says timidly. He hands the plastic bags over to Luhan, who looks down on it with a confused look on his face. “They’re books – for school – so you can study properly and –”

“What are you doing?” Luhan asks.

“I said I was here to give you these books-”

“No,” Luhan says, cutting him off. “I mean what are you doing? Do you think I’m a charity case or something?”

Minseok shakes his head as the frown on Luhan’s face gets deeper. It’s a look that Minseok doesn’t like, and he hates knowing that he’s the reason for it. He knows that no matter how much he tries, he will always get a similar reaction from Luhan, but it doesn’t mean that he’ll stop trying.

“Go home, Minseok.” The tiredness in his voice sounds too old to be coming from an eighteen year old. He opens his mouth to protest, but the stern look on Luhan’s face tells him that there is no room for argument.

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out. Luhan looks surprised for a moment before a scowl masks his face.

“Minseok,” Luhan says with a warning tone, and Minseok knows that he’s taken it too far. He nods in understanding as he steps back from Luhan’s gate, the feeling of dread welcoming him like an old friend.

~~

It’s annoying. It’s really nagging at him; how the routine Minseok has been set on following for the past two years are slowly beginning to change due to the introduction of the Wild Card. Minseok lives in the comforts of constants and mundane things, but it’s as if a tornado is coming and everything that he had built in the past few years are falling apart.

“Here, Luhan-sama,” one of the guys say, placing a sandwich and a carton of milk on his desk. “Please enjoy these.”

“’Sama’ is Japanese, not Mandarin,” Baekhyun mutters under his breath.

The atmosphere in the class immediately turns stale as Park Chanyeol narrows his eyes in contempt. The class takes a collective sharp intake of breath, and Minseok wonders how Luhan manages to attract so much attention without trying.

Minseok glances over his shoulder before turning his head to the side to catch a glimpse of Luhan’s expressionless face. If there’s anything that Chanyeol hates, it’s the lack of reaction. Minseok takes a deep breath, bracing himself as he stands up, gathering attention to himself instead.

Baekhyun looks up at him with owlish eyes and before Minseok gets the chance to divert the attention to himself, Luhan grabs the milk and pushes it into Chanyeol’s hands. “You can have it if that’s what’s getting you so worked up. I’m lactose intolerant anyway.”

Minseok brings his hand up to his face, and Baekhyun almost laughs at the sight of his comical face palm. Despite Chanyeol’s tall height, he hates being looked down on more than anything. Luhan really knows how to get on people’s nerves, and Minseok wonders how he’s survived for so long.

“You can have the doughnut too, if you want,” Luhan tells Chanyeol, ignoring Minseok. He gives an angelic smile in Chanyeol’s direction before he turns away, his smile morphing into a scowl as he walks out of the classroom.

~~

Each passing day with Luhan in his class suddenly feels a lot longer than it should. Minseok finds himself staring off into the direction of Luhan’s desk instead of the soccer game outside and the gnawing feeling at the bottom of his stomach refuses to go away.

It doesn’t help that the class has found an interest in Luhan, always pestering him with questions wondering if the rumours about him being a fighter are true. Some girls think that it’s not true, believing that Luhan is too angelic to get himself caught in such businesses and they should leave him alone while the others think that with his sweet face, he could be a murderer for all they know. Luhan’s refusal to acknowledge any of the rumours fuels their interest even more and Minseok wants to continuously slam his head against his desk because why are things suddenly more complicated?

He was going to spend the last year of high school with a relaxed mindset, only handing in homework when it’s vital, but otherwise he wasn’t going to make an effort to socialise or get himself caught up in the class affairs. But Luhan is here, and Luhan has always been an exception –

“You’re not eating this, are you?” Zitao asks as he takes Luhan’s lunch tray off him. It’s quite ridiculous, really, how the class is in awe of Luhan but no one would dare to stand against Sehun’s group to defend him.

Luhan’s stomach grumbles in protest, but his expression remains blank as he watches Zitao walk away with his share of food. He shakes his head before walking away from the cafeteria, leaving the company of his classmates.

Minseok sighs, his own hunger suddenly forgotten. The bell rings and the class scrambles to go to their next class, but Minseok remains seated for a few moments before he finally gets up and takes out his wallet. He gets to class three minutes later than the others, and when he does, he places a bottle of mango juice and a sandwich before Luhan.

The rest of the class looks up in surprise at Minseok’s actions. Even Sehun had been unable to get Minseok to do anything for him, and if Luhan could, then that meant Luhan is the true king of the class-

“Minseok,” Jongdae hisses as he pulls him aside, just as Luhan looks down at the food blankly, looking as if they’re unfamiliar objects. “What’s happening? Is Luhan bullying you? Is it because he really was the best fighter in his hometown?”

At the mention of his name, Luhan looks up at Jongdae’s hand wrapped around Minseok’s arm, and his gaze darkens. Jongdae manages a gulp and he tightens his grip on Minseok. “You don’t have to do anything he says, you know. We’re in Seoul, not in his territory-”

“I’m not,” Minseok says, apparently too loudly, because even from across the classroom, Baekhyun is looking up at him with wide eyes that look like they could bulge out of his eye sockets any moment from now. He pulls his arm away from Jongdae’s hold and sighs. “No one makes me do anything.”

Minseok realises it was the wrong thing to say when he notices Sehun leaning down to whisper in Luhan’s ear. Judging by the slight shift in Luhan’s expression to one of horror, then back to his impassive face, Minseok can tell that he might have just made their situation worse.

~~

Despite minor inconveniences, Minseok likes to walk the long way home. Sure, it takes up more time and he passes too many stray and malnourished animals for it to be considered as a dodgy part of town, but Minseok likes to keep quiet and uses such opportunities for thinking. He walks past a Chinese restaurant and ignores his cravings for dumplings, and settles for the street stall selling hot cakes instead. He tries to fight off the sigh as he spends more of his hard-earned money, but he knows that he can’t feel any regret with his decision of buying food or those expensive textbooks -

“Minseok!”

The boy in question turns his head at the unmistakable sound of Baekhyun’s voice. Minseok freezes, suddenly feeling an irrational fear of Baekhyun being around a shifty area of town. Although Minseok and Baekhyun aren’t particularly close, Minseok can’t help but feel uncomfortable about this setting.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Baekhyun says breathlessly. He bends down to catch his breath for a few moments, and Minseok waits patiently for Baekhyun to continue. “Luhan… They… Him…”

“What?” Minseok asks, alarmed. Did something happen to Luhan? Is it his fault? What did he land himself into –

“Sehun… Luhan… Bridge…”

The syntax of Baekhyun’s message should leave Minseok puzzled, but it’s one that leaves him anxious instead. Without waiting for his order to be filled, he runs toward the direction Baekhyun came from, keeping in mind the location of Luhan’s possible whereabouts. He gasps as he feels the adrenaline coursing through his veins. The sensation that was once familiar now felt like a stranger. He runs as fast as his legs could carry him, all the while making sharp turns around corners, avoiding passersby and any possible collision that could hinder him from reaching Luhan in time.

He sees them on the field near one of the old, run-down bridges. It doesn’t take Minseok long to recognise that Sehun is standing over Luhan, looming over him with a rock in his hand. But it takes Minseok a moment too long to realise that he’s stepping on Luhan’s left foot, and the realisation spurs Minseok to run faster than he’s ever done in his life. For the first time in two years, he feels the overwhelming sense of fear. May God help his soul if he can’t protect Luhan this time--

He reaches them just before Sehun makes his blow, and Minseok grabs the rock out of Sehun’s hand, surprising him.

“So you did bring your friend,” Sehun says, recovering from the shock of Minseok’s counter-attack. Luhan looks up to see what the hell Sehun is talking about, and fails to hide the surprise in his expression.

“Minseok, what are you do-”

Luhan doesn’t manage to finish his sentence as Sehun charges forward and Minseok ducks to avoid Sehun’s raging fists. Minseok sidesteps away from Sehun, only to run into Zitao’s rock hard chest. Minseok steps back in surprise, leaning to the side just in time to avoid the full blow of Zitao’s kick.

“It’s hopeless. There’s three of us and only two of you. Well, soon to be one,” Chanyeol says from behind him as he wraps an arm around Minseok’s neck, trapping him in a headlock. Any signs of rational thinking disappear when he notices Sehun and Zitao ganging up on Luhan. Minseok takes a sharp intake of breath before he brings his elbows up and slams them against Chanyeol’s abdomen. He comes free from the taller boy with an ‘oof’ that doesn’t sound too good, but it’s the least of Minseok’s worries.

Minseok turns to Chanyeol and it’s then when his fists begin to get out of control. Compared to Zitao and Sehun, Chanyeol is a slower fighter so Minseok has the greater advantage. Knowing that Chanyeol is beginning to feel winded, Minseok decides to continue kicking at his abdomen, and Chanyeol falls to the ground gasping for air. Minseok isn’t showing any mercy as Chanyeol extends his arms for help. He begins to cough, and Minseok only slows down once he’s certain that Chanyeol will be out of the way until he can get Luhan to safety.

Minseok advances on Zitao afterwards, taking him down by surprise. Zitao, a well-experienced martial artist, refuses to go down without fighting Minseok. Zitao raises his fist, aiming at Minseok’s right eye, but he moves to the side at the last moment, and Zitao hits his cheekbone instead. Taking advantage of the split second in between, Minseok punches Zitao’s face before moving onto his abdomen. Knowing that he can’t take any risks, he reaches out for Zitao’s arms, twisting them before flipping him down onto the ground. He thinks about throwing a few more punches, but he stops when he sees Zitao cough up blood.

Sehun turns to him in surprise once he realises that his friends are lying down on the ground, defenceless. It doesn’t do anything to discourage him, though. Sehun charges in full force, and Minseok takes the seconds in between to recognise the wrong points about Sehun’s fighting stance. At the last possible moment, Minseok pivots and extends his right leg to kick Sehun in the face. Sehun goes down with a sharp thud, and Minseok looms over the boy, grabbing the big rock that he had seen him use to threaten Luhan earlier.

“Look at you,” Luhan says, sounding almost hysterical, “You haven’t changed at all, Minseok.”

He wants to prove Luhan wrong. But everything that he has done in that afternoon says otherwise, and the temptation to bring down the rock on Sehun’s leg doesn’t change even with the way Luhan is talking to him. Sehun braces himself for the impact, and Minseok steps on his ankle, making the boy wince in pain. The sight makes Minseok stop on the spot. The sight of a defenceless, hurt boy on the floor with a leg outstretched before him looks familiar – it looks too familiar –

Minseok drops the rock on the ground, and he rushes to Luhan’s side when he recognises the presence of police sirens that sound like they are getting closer by the second. He wraps an arm around Luhan’s back and they trudge on to avoid any further trouble.

“What about them?” Luhan asks with a raspy voice, “Aren’t they going to tell-”

“No,” Minseok says with a stern voice. “I know them well enough. They would also have to explain why they were there, and they already have police records here. They’ll also try to get away before the police arrive.”

Luhan nods in understanding. They walk the rest of the way in a silence that was tired and uncomfortable but somehow familiar.

~~

They come to school the next day with evident bruises, raising a million questions between the students in their class. The teachers look at them suspiciously and a little bit fearfully, but they can’t help it. All of them know that Sehun, Zitao and Chanyeol do not get along with Luhan, but the involvement of Minseok is what leaves them puzzled.

“What happened?” Jongdae asks worriedly as he falls into step with Minseok as they walk towards the cafeteria. “Are you okay?” He reaches out to touch the bruise in Minseok’s cheek, but Minseok steps back at the last moment, offering a nod as a reply. Jongdae doesn’t appear convinced though, as he leans forward and asks, “Did you get caught up in the brawl?”

“No,” Minseok says, perhaps a little too forcefully. The worried look on Jongdae’s face only deepens, and Minseok sighs before turning to fully face him. He places his hands on Jongdae’s shoulders, and he becomes aware that this is the first time he is voluntarily touching Jongdae. “Don’t worry about me, okay? If there’s anything – you know that I can always fight back with my mouth.”

Sensing that Minseok wants the topic to be dropped, Jongdae nods in resignation, realising that perhaps Minseok does care that Jongdae is worried about him. With a sigh of relief, Minseok drops his hands and manages a smile. Jongdae looks surprised to see the curves of Minseok’s lips lifting up to what appears to be a genuine smile, and he nods in understanding. Maybe he was reading too much into the bruises on Minseok’s face.

Minseok’s attention quickly shifts away from him when he notices Luhan walking out of the cafeteria, the bruises on his face looking more terrible than the ones on Minseok’s face.

“Whoa,” Jongdae couldn’t believe that someone could look that bad and still go to school. “What happened to Luhan?”

“I’ll go ask,” Minseok says offhandedly as he walks away from Jongdae to join Luhan. He walks a few steps away from Luhan, knowing that he wouldn’t want Minseok to be walking next to him, especially at school. Luhan walks up the stairs, knowing that he’s being followed, and he walks out into the school rooftop. Minseok follows without question. When they’re certain that they’re out of earshot, Luhan turns to Minseok with a hard look on his face, surprising him.

“Stop this act, Minseok,” says Luhan. “You need to drop it now. No matter what you do you can never make up for what I lost.”

“Luhan-”

“You do not know,” Luhan cuts him off, making Minseok appear smaller, “You do not know how it felt. If you’re really apologetic, then give up the most important thing to you. Only then will I acknowledge that you know what you did.”

“The most important-”

“Oh, look.”

Luhan and Minseok’s conversation is quickly dropped at the arrival of Sehun and his friends. Minseok lets out a long, exasperated sigh. He isn’t really in the mood for this.

“It’s the best fighter in all of Gyeonggi-do. And Luhan.”

Minseok freezes and even Luhan looks surprised. Sehun steps forward, grabbing Minseok by the arm to look at him in the eye. “I didn’t know you had it within you, Minseokkie. How did you manage to hide that from us for the past two years?” Minseok remains unresponsive, looking like he hadn’t heard Sehun speak until Sehun turns to give Luhan a smile. “Or does it only come out when harm comes to those who are important to you?”

Minseok stiffens under his hold. Zitao and Chanyeol step forward and Minseok twists his arm, freeing himself from Sehun’s grip. “Leave Luhan alone. You all still appear to be well enough to go to school, and if you take one more step I will make sure that you can’t go anywhere for a very long time.”

Sehun smirks before cocking his head to the side, gesturing for his friends to back off. The sick smile on Sehun’s face angers Minseok, but it scares him more than anything else.

“Did we just find your Achilles’ heel?” Sehun asks in an innocent tone.

Minseok has to try hard to not clench his jaw, knowing that any change in his body language would only satisfy Sehun. Sensing that he’s getting on Minseok’s nerves, Sehun steps away with a haunting smile. “Alright. Let’s go and leave these two alone. Judging from the expressions on their faces, they have a lot to talk about.”

Neither Luhan or Minseok let their guard down for the span of five minutes. Only then does Minseok turn to Luhan, ready to dwell into their previous conversation, when Luhan speaks before him:

“You know, you gave me the wrong textbooks, right?”

“What… do you mean?” Minseok asks, tilting his head in confusion. The action would have looked cute with his round eyes and round cheeks, but Luhan looks at him with an impassive expression on his face.

“You gave me grade 11 textbooks. We’re in grade 12. You really don’t even look at your textbooks, do you? How do you expect to graduate?”

Minseok opens his mouth, ready to answer, but it seems Luhan isn’t expecting anything when he suddenly walks away from him, leaving Minseok speechless.

~~

The bruises on their faces only continue to fuel rumours and Minseok is so sick of it.

“Did you know that as the greatest fighter in Gyeonggi-do, Luhan was not only respected, but also feared?”

Minseok isn’t really in the mood for this.

“What do you mean ‘feared’?” Baekhyun asks.

One of the girls turns to face him. “I heard that Luhan wasn’t just satisfied with being the best fighter, but that he also wanted to become the best soccer player. He got envious of anyone that was as good as soccer as he was, and he beat them up. There are rumours that he even broke the leg of a soccer player just so they couldn’t get scouted.”

“That just means he’s less than nothing, then,” Zitao speaks up. The group of students chattering turn to face him, and he looks at them with a bored expression. “Yeah, we fight to sort out a hierarchy and to work in groups. But beating up a soccer player – and crushing their dreams? That’s so low.”

For the first time in all of his years in Converse High, Minseok thinks this must be a miracle. The students look up at Zitao and nod in agreement, making comments on how Luhan must have such a sad life to do such things.

The whispering stops when Luhan walks into the room. The students stiffen in their seats, and Luhan looks visibly uncomfortable by the sudden change in the atmosphere. He turns his head to look at the only one who didn’t react at his entrance – to find that Minseok is looking at him with a sad expression on his face. Noticing the silent interaction between Luhan and Minseok, Jongdae moves towards Minseok, wrapping an arm around him to keep him close. Luhan narrows his eyes and walks out of the room.

~~

The rumours are only getting worse. Jongdae and Baekhyun have begun a league called ‘Protect Kim Minseok from Luhan,’ with the reasoning that Luhan must be the cause of Minseok’s bruises. The rumours only continue to fly around the school, to the point that when their class had P.E. the teacher had to remind the students to show good sportsmanship and not hurt one another.

“But you know what happened to that boy that he injured?” Baekhyun chirps up in between their classes. “The boy couldn’t play soccer anymo-”

“Stop it,” Minseok says, his voice a little too loud as he stands up, unable to take it anymore. He looks to the right to see the rest of the class looking at him, but all that matters now are those wide eyes full of hurt that are looking at him. “Luhan didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Minseok,” Jongdae says in a sympathetic tone, “You don’t have to be scared of-”

“I’m not scared of him!” Minseok snaps and the class quiets down. “You shouldn’t be scared of him! No one should be scared of him!”

“What do you-”

“You have it all wrong,” Minseok says in a long sigh. Luhan tenses in his seat, and Minseok takes no notice. “Luhan isn’t the best fighter in Gyeonggi-do. I am. Luhan isn’t the bastard that injured a soccer player. That bastard is me. I injured Luhan. I’m less than nothing, don’t you understand? You got it all wrong. It’s my fault. It’s always been my fault.”

Minseok looks up to see the surprised and disgusted looks on his classmates’ faces. With his face hot with shame, Minseok takes his bag and walks out of the classroom. He can’t help but notice that there’s something he can do better than fighting, it’s running away.

~~

Minseok misses an entire week of school, his phone overflowing with messages from his school teachers as well as Jongdae and Baekhyun. The texts that he’s interested in are from Jongdae, which keep Minseok updated with what’s happening with Luhan and Sehun. Minseok knows that he can’t continue with this disappearing act for much longer, and the pressure on him to do something is becoming too great for him to handle.

Whatever he does now won’t change a thing, and that thought alone scares him above anything else. He wants to make things better, repair them if possible, but he can’t help but remember the look of discomfort on Luhan’s face along with the presence of a constant frown whenever Minseok is around. The realisation that no matter what he does, he can never bring things back to the way they were before is a realisation that is too much for his being to take.

He can never bring back the smile on Luhan’s face whenever he played soccer, and that old, familiar exhilarating laugh of his after a good soccer game. He cannot bring back Luhan’s innocent and pure heart, free from the disappointments of the world. Above anything else, he can never bring back Luhan’s faith in friendships, knowing that Minseok had tainted his view on loyalty and commitments, as well as the idea of having close friends. And that… That makes him feel guiltier than anything.

He comes back after being away for six days. He only enters the school office with a formal letter before he enters his classroom, surprising his classmates. Even Mr Zhang is looking astonished.

“I’m dropping out of school starting from today,” Minseok says, straight to the point. His gaze lands on Luhan’s, who looks at him with furrowed brows. “I just wanted to come in and thank you for everything that you have done for me, for always showing hospitality even though I did jack shit.”

The class lets out a nervous laugh, unsure of whether Mr Zhang approves of his choice of language. But Mr Zhang is looking at Minseok not with disdain, but with sadness and disappointment.

“But why are you leaving?” Baekhyun asks. Minseok knows he should have expected this from the boy, but he still wanted to avoid it at all costs.

“I’m giving up on school,” Minseok says, as if it’s that simple.

Jongdae looks like he wants to offer up more words, but Minseok cuts him off by shaking his head, saying one last thank you, and walking out of the door.

~~

Minseok spends the next few hours walking around school, visiting every crook and cranny that he can find, even dwelling into the places that he knows are out of bounds. It’s at eight o’clock in the evening when he finally decides to call it off, preparing himself to walk through the gates of Converse High for one last time.

His footsteps falter when he notices Luhan standing by the gate, huddled up in his school jacket and scarf. It’s clear that it’s not doing enough to maintain his body temperature, and Minseok sighs as he continues to walk forward, knowing that what’s about to come is inevitable.

“That’s it?” Luhan mutters under his breath when he knows that Minseok can hear him. “Just school? That’s it – I ask you to give up the most important thing in your life, and you gave up school?” He looks at the unresponsive Minseok, and the silence that continues to drag on only fuels his anger. “What the fuck.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?” The dry laugh that escapes Luhan’s lips only make Minseok feel worse. Anything that Minseok does for Luhan only seems to make things worse. How is Minseok supposed to fix this?

“What do I mean?” Luhan repeats, grabbing Minseok by the collar, surprising him. Minseok tries to ignore how increasingly difficult it is getting to breathe, not because of their position, but because of the bitter sadness in Luhan’s eyes. “Just school? What the fuck, Minseok? You can fucking go to any fucking school after this, but do you think I can get a different leg? School will always be there for you, but the scouts for me are gone forever.”

“Luhan-”

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” Luhan asks, his voice becoming harder to understand once Minseok realises that he’s holding back tears. “Do you think that lowly of me? Do you think it was that simple to just ruin my leg and my dreams?”

“No, that’s not it-”

“School doesn’t even affect your future! You’re not even planning to go to university or get any further studies. You can simply pick up a job that you set yourself on because no one took that away from you. It was your own decision. Soccer was my dream and you took that away from me. Did you think… giving up school would be enough to close those wounds? That it would be enough to clear your conscience?”

Minseok brings his hands up to his collar. Once his hands make contact with Luhan’s, the latter drops his hold like Minseok’s touch is the vilest thing in the world. Maybe it is. Minseok swallows the lump in his throat, knowing that his next words will be of great importance.

“Nothing will ever clear my conscience!” Minseok snaps, and Luhan jumps back in surprise. “Don’t you get it? Nothing will ever clear my conscience of what I’ve done to you! We’re both going to live with it for the rest of our lives. If I had a family to give up for you, I would, but I don’t. So I could only reach this conclusion – this decision – to show you that I do understand.”

“What?” The challenging smile on Luhan’s face makes Minseok do a double-take. Who knew that they would turn out like this? “Giving up on just school would make things better?”

“It’s not…” Minseok takes a deep breath once he feels the lump forming in his throat. He looks down on the ground before looking up to meet Luhan’s eyes. “You don’t get it. It’s not the school.” Luhan’s glare changes to a curious look, and Minseok finds that he can’t see Luhan properly from the tears forming in his eyes.

“This is the most I’ve ever had to give up and I don’t think you even realise it until now. What I gave up isn’t the school. The most important thing in my life is not the school. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

Luhan’s gaze falters as the tears on Minseok’s face begin to fall. Minseok walks away without looking back, knowing that what he had done now was for the best. Maybe they were always meant to be separated anyway. That has always been Minseok’s choice from the very beginning, even back to two years ago. It doesn’t change now.

~~

Luhan comes to school early to find a plastic bag on top of his desk. He uncovers its contents to find a pile of unused grade 12 books, with “Kim Minseok” written sloppily on its covers. Luhan skims through the pages, only to find that all of his books are blank. A note falls out of the math book, with carefully written words:

“Make sure not to provoke Mr Zhang or he’ll make your life a living hell. Goodluck!”

By the end of the day, the note is unreadable. The words are smudged by fat teardrops and no matter how hard Luhan tries to bring the note back to its original state, what’s done is done.

~~

The sound of knocking on Minseok’s door in the following evening surprises him more than anything else. He steels himself as he opens the door, prepared for any perpetrators. Maybe Sehun was in the mood for a rematch –

But instead, he is met with a too-cheerful Jongdae, holding out a large burger combo from the food chain nearby. Unfamiliar with such a sight, Minseok blinks at his visitor for a few moments before letting him in.

“Missed you at school,” Jongdae says as a greeting and Minseok can’t seem to remember how to move his limbs. The concept of having a guest in his house suddenly feels too foreign, and Minseok doesn’t know what to do, what to think – oh God, what’s happeni-

“Breathe,” Jongdae says with a calm tone as he puts the food down and rests a hand on Minseok’s arm. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I…” Minseok stops to collect his thoughts, blinking as he regains his focus. “Sorry, I just… What’s up?”

“How are you?” The worried creases on Jongdae’s forehead refuse to cease. Minseok walks Jongdae into the living room, all the while avoiding his question until they’re seated. Jongdae believes in being courteous and polite all of the time, but he can’t help but wonder about Minseok’s puffy and swollen eyes. He highly doubts that he got them from fights.

“I’m holding up fine, thank you,” Minseok says, bringing his head down to get a bite out of his burger. “I’m just a bit tired. I had to go around town today for deliveries.” Jongdae nods, humming to fill in the silence. Minseok takes note of Jongdae’s averting gaze and wringing hands, understanding that there’s a purpose to this visit.

“What is it, Jongdae?”

“What is what?”

“What is it that you wanted to tell me?”

Guilty, Jongdae purses his lips as he tries to think of a way to word his response. Minseok tenses in his seat, suddenly nervous. “Is Luhan okay-”

“Were you and Luhan close?”

Minseok chokes upon hearing Jongdae’s question. He was expecting some gossip or perhaps some worried questions about his state, but definitely not that. Minseok sees no point in lying now though, since the truth about their past has come out to see the light of day.

“Yeah, we were.” Minseok takes a sip of the cold soft drink, knowing that the conversation is going to be a long one, with Minseok talking for most of it. “We were best friends.”

“Wait… what.”

“Yeah.” The smile on Minseok’s face is too sad, too nostalgic, and too regretful. “We were best friends from elementary school. We lived in Gyeonggi-do, where Luhan’s family mostly stayed in my house, since my dad was gone for most of the time and Luhan’s parents were going through a rough divorce. We were just… together, all the time. We made the group together and he helped me whenever I had to go through beatings to become stronger. He was always supportive and caring, always looking after me. We played soccer all the time; it was our favourite thing to do together.”

Jongdae looks down on the ground, looking like he is re-thinking his entire life and decisions by this discovery. Minseok manages a weak smile at him before continuing. “You’re wondering about the incident, aren’t you?”

“Were you… really rivals? I… I don’t think you’re the type to hurt someone because you’re envious of their talents, Minseok-ah.”

Minseok puts down his burger, his appetite forgotten as the feeling of guilt washes over him. He looks down at his drink, his brows furrowing as he struggles to reply.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“No, I…” Minseok takes a deep breath, knowing that there’s no harm in talking to Jongdae. “If anything it’s not that I hated Luhan. It’s more like… I really loved having him around that I didn’t want him to go. It was true – he was being scouted – and there were so many offers being made for him but the coach said that he had to leave the group – my group – if he wanted to pursue his dreams.”

“There’s a rule,” Minseok says after a moment of silence. “That anyone who leaves the group must be beat up. And we did. That’s exactly what we did. But I got so frightened of Luhan leaving me for Seoul that I got carried away in the moment and I stepped on his leg, crushing it. He couldn’t… play soccer like before.”

“But did he?” Jongdae asks, and the question raises an eyebrow from Minseok. “Did he leave you?”

“We stopped talking after that.”

“That wasn’t my question, and you know it.”

“That was two years ago, by the way,” Minseok says, completely ignoring Jongdae’s questions, hoping that he would take the hint and drop it. Understanding that there’s a lot more to it than he thought, Jongdae lets out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head like he’s caught in a fight between two children.

“You two really need to talk.”

“No point,” Minseok says, placing the straw between his lips, taking large sips of the beverage in hopes that it will distract Jongdae from asking further questions. He knows that he doesn’t have to answer them if he’s uncomfortable, but he can’t deny that he’s grown to gradually like Jongdae. “As far as we’re concerned, I’ve done too many wrongs to Luhan, and it’s for the best that we don’t see each other.”

“Really?” Jongdae asks in a tone that makes Minseok look up at him. “That doesn’t seem to be the case. I saw Luhan moping around all day, unable to keep his eyes off your empty desk.”

Minseok snorts at that, fighting off any feelings of hope. Jongdae looks displeased with Minseok’s reaction, but the latter only continues to ignore it. “Trust me, Jongdae. This is for the best.”

~~

Despite his willingness to work for anything, Minseok just doesn’t believe himself to be the person that would stand behind a counter at the local McDonald’s branch. He sighs to himself, thinking about the pay and a job that offers a regular schedule, but the thought of talking to so many people and working at a lightning fast speed is more than enough to put him off. He passes the ‘Help Wanted’ sign on the window, wondering what he’s going to do with his life, when his phone goes off.

There’s a somewhat unspoken rule that Jongdae doesn’t call Minseok – in fact, he has never done that before – so the sight of his name on the screen of Minseok’s screen sends a million alarms blaring off in his head. He answers it with sweaty palms, the panic quickly rising in his chest. Jongdae would only call him if it was important or more specifically if it was -

“Minseok!” Jongdae’s panicked voice is only making Minseok feel more doomed by the second, “The pool hall – Sehun-”

“Fuck!” Minseok curses under his breath as he runs down the street, his heart thudding against his chest, his lungs begging for air, but Minseok refuses to stop. He continues to run through the familiar roads, only stopping when he reaches the small, run-down pool hall in their neighbourhood.

“What happened?” Minseok asks, gasping for air once he’s reached the boy.

“I was just walking on my way home when I saw Sehun, Zitao and Chanyeol steal a motorbike to pay off their debts,” Jongdae explains in a wild frenzy. “I think they’re placing the blame on Luhan right now. I heard them discussing it.”

“Shit!” Minseok wonders how it’s come to this. This is the most he’s run in the past few years, and the most scared he has felt. If they had done something to Luhan… Minseok can’t even bear to think about it. He runs up the stairs, only stopping once he’s inside the venue to find a large group surrounding Sehun, Chanyeol and Zitao for questioning.

“—Chinese boy stole the bike—”

“I stole it,” Minseok says, opening the door widely for him to enter, knowing that there’s no way he could convince these men that the three boys stole it. Judging from their slightly relaxed stances, they’re acquaintances. Minseok will just have to get back to those three for this in the near future. Chanyeol looks surprised at the sight of him, Zitao somewhat displeased, and Sehun looks satisfied. The group of men look at him in distaste, and Minseok wonders why they aren’t using their logical way of thinking, and why they aren’t questioning him for coming forward when he knows he would only receive a hell lot of punches.

“Is this him?” asks the man who appears to be the leader. “I thought you said he was Chinese.”

“I have a Chinese background. Are you jealous?” Minseok says rather boldly. He stops for a moment, and mutters a word in Mandarin that he remembers as a swear word he learnt from Luhan. The men look unimpressed with the arrogance radiating off him, and it only takes a few seconds until he’s brought down by his collar to kneel before the leader. Maybe Minseok does have a problem keeping quiet during the most dire situations.

Minseok manages half a breath before the beatings begin. They come at him all at once: a kick at his abdomen, at his legs, a slap and punches to his face. He knows that he will be too sore and bruised the next day, but maybe he can just take the day off from his part time job. Minseok looks up at the faces of his abusers, knowing that he should probably start fighting them off. He’s too relaxed when their beatings are only getting worse by the second. Bless them, though, Minseok thinks as an afterthought, for not kicking him in his most sensitive area. Maybe even potential gangs have that courtesy.

“That’s enough,” Zitao says after a while. Chanyeol and Sehun look at him in surprise as Zitao grabs Minseok’s arm, helping him get up. The men look at Zitao in anger, surprised at how sudden he had stopped their fun. “We’ll compensate for the bike.” He gives Minseok a measured look from head to toe, biting his lip at the sight of his left eye that will no doubt turn black within a few hours.

“Are you going soft, Zitao?”

“No,” Zitao says with a stern voice. “Don’t be too hard on the Chinese boy. It’s making me think of that time when you first saw me and beat me up so bad I cried.”

The group laughs at the memory of a fifteen year old Zitao, bawling his eyes out but fighting back regardless. Zitao holds Minseok by the arm as they, along with Sehun and Chanyeol, walk out of the pool hall. Zitao throws Minseok by the stairs, looking down at him with a shake of his head.

“What did you do that for?” Sehun asks, unimpressed by the sudden change of plans. “They could have gone on further-”

“And killed him?” Zitao asks, turning to his friend. “I don’t think so. Besides, it’s better that he lives. He already has a miserable life anyway.” Sehun and Chanyeol stop to make sense of Zitao’s words, and they nod in agreement. “Let’s go and get something to eat.”

Minseok remains seated at the top of the stairs, confused at what had just happened. Did Zitao take pity on him? Minseok lowers his head, a smile forming on his lips at the ridiculousness of the thought. He winces in pain as he touches his lower abdomen, very quickly realising that he’s in a lot of pain and his house is a good twenty minute walk away. Fuck.

The sound of footsteps running up the stairs makes Minseok look up in surprise. Luhan looks down at him in horror, grabbing him by the arm until he realises that Minseok is grimacing in pain.

“Minseok, what the fuck happened?”

“Nothing,” Minseok says, feeling like he’s ready to cough his lungs out and sleep for a million years. He hasn’t taken anything this bad for a long time and the unfamiliarity of it is making him nauseous. “I just got into a bad fight, that’s all.”

“Bullshit,” Luhan snaps. “Jongdae looked for me and told me what happened-”

“Jongdae?”

“What the hell,” Luhan mutters under his breath as he wraps an arm around Minseok’s shoulder and grabbing his other arm for support. “You even get hit for me now, too?” Minseok looks at the close proximity of Luhan’s face.

“How,” Minseok says his voice cracking. He isn’t sure if it’s from the exhaustion or something else, “can you even think of holding me right now?”

“How,” Luhan repeats in a similar tone, “can you even think otherwise? In such a state?”

Minseok doesn’t want to push his luck, but he swears he can detect a hint of care in Luhan’s voice. Maybe. Just maybe.

~~

The walk to Minseok’s house is a very slow and painful one, particularly because Minseok realised that Luhan had never been to his house in Seoul before. It took them ten minutes to realise that lacking piece of information, and had ended up walking around aimlessly. Now that they were back on track though, Minseok isn’t sure if he wants this walk to end. He’s not going to see Luhan anymore, and he knows that this was his decision, but he can’t help but feel like –

“Why did you do that?” Luhan asks as they round the corner nearing Minseok’s house. Minseok frees himself from Luhan’s hold so he can look at him properly, leaning against the wall nearby to steady himself.

“I had to – or they were going to do that to you instead and…”

“You think I can’t handle myself?”

“No, but-”

“Do you have a death wish?” Luhan asks, glaring at Minseok. The boy freezes on the spot, wondering what he’s done wrong this time. Why can’t he do anything right? Why is it that whenever he does something for Luhan to make up for what he’s done, Luhan is still angry at him?

“No, but I deserved it, Lu. I deserved it for what I did-”

“What the fuck!” Luhan explodes, throwing his hands up in the air. “Is that what this is all about? What the fuck, Kim Minseok, get a fucking hold of yourself. Do you know how frightened I was when Jongdae came to fetch me? Do you think getting yourself beat up would bring my leg back? Do you think getting yourself hurt would bring my dream back? How could you even think of comparing them?”

“I have to do something, if I can, when I can!” Minseok snaps. “What else am I supposed to do? Sit back when I know you’re being threatened, when I know you could easily fight back if your leg was well? It’s all my fault – and so I have to take the responsibility –”

“Of getting yourself killed?!”

Minseok slams his fists against the wall. Why wasn’t it all making sense? Why isn’t Luhan thinking that it makes sense? Since when did they misunderstand each other? “You don’t get it! I was the one who ruined your leg. I was the one who ruined your dreams!”

“And you think doing all of this for me is going to bring those back?” Luhan shouts, unable to keep his voice steady. “How could you dare to think that?”

“I-”

“You don’t understand!” Luhan shoots back, interrupting Minseok from saying anything further. “You can’t make these calls yourself! You cannot measure the importance of things and how to deal with them by yourself! Regardless of this – regardless of what you have done in the past – you should have been like this before! You should have stayed but instead you fucking ran!”

Minseok jolts back in shock, surprised at Luhan’s words. What did he mean –?

“Do you think the worst thing was to live with a crushed dream?” Luhan’s voice only continues to get louder by the minute. “For you, do you think the worst thing was to live with the guilt? You fucking idiot, Minseok! You should have been there – in the hours when I had to learn that I had to give up my dream – you should have been there – you should have stayed!”

“Lu…”

“Don’t you understand? I would have forgiven you – regardless of anything – had you stayed. We were best friends, Minseok. There was nothing I would hold against you.”

Hot tears fall down Minseok’s face. The feeling of his heart being shredded into a million pieces isn’t a stranger to him, but to suddenly hear that he might have fucked up more than he thought is unbearable. He’s seeing Luhan crack before him, equally steady tears falling down their faces, down onto the pavement.

“But I – I did it – because I didn’t want you to leave me, because I was selfish and –”

“There you go again!” Luhan yells. “How could you decide that? I was going to leave the group for Seoul, yes, but I would have taken you to Seoul with me. I would never have left you. How could you think that I would leave you for soccer? How could you think that even now, I would want you dead for what you’ve done?”

“Isn’t that what you want?” Minseok screams, unable to take it any longer. That’s definitely what Minseok wants. All those years of guilt had gnawed at him, and he’s suddenly being shaken by his victim. He’s not getting it; they do not understand each other –

“How could you think of giving me up again for the second time?” Luhan asks, choking on his words. “Don’t you get it? Other than soccer, I only had you. The only thing – the only person I loved more than soccer – was you. I needed you to be there when I had to give up soccer, and when I wanted to die… Was it easy for you to run away from me? Was it easy for you to live without me? What I’m saying is… didn’t you miss me?”

Luhan lets out the most horrible sob Minseok has ever heard in his life. It’s painful as he listens to Luhan gasp for air, clutching at his chest as he fights to keep his body upright. Minseok’s breaths are shallow and light, unable to keep the panic rising from his chest. Oh, God…

“Jesus… Luhan… I…”

“How could you doubt me, Minseok? How could you doubt us? I thought we were bigger than anything. I loved you more than anyone and I thought you felt the same.”

“I’m so sorry,” Minseok chokes out, suddenly aware that maybe all this time he only thought about the wrong things. Maybe he should have thought about the pain of being separated. Maybe they should have talked back then –

Luhan stands a few metres away from him, gulping for air. He runs his fingers through his hair before rubbing at his tear-stained face. “I think…I think you should go, Minseok.”

They don’t move for a few moments. It takes Minseok a great deal of effort to make his feet walk, all the while looking back at Luhan, who is looking back at him with a broken expression. As Minseok closes the door to his house, he can’t help but wonder if it was better that they had talked or if they had kept silent.

~~

Despite the inner conflict that he struggles to deal with, Minseok only tries harder after that conversation. With a stronger resolve, he goes to school the next day. He stays outside the classrooms, keeping an eye out for Luhan. When the bell rings, signalling the start of lunch time, he notices Luhan walking out into the courts instead of the cafeteria.

“Lu!” Minseok calls out. Luhan turns to face him with raised eyebrows, mildly surprised at his appearance. “Come with me.”

Luhan walks towards him, with the intention of telling him to go away, what is he even doing in the school grounds, when Minseok grabs him by the arm and they make a run for it. Despite their circumstances, Luhan can’t help but smile at the thought of skipping school – with Minseok, no less, just like old times – until five minutes later, when he’s bending down to catch his breath. Minseok takes a worried glance at Luhan’s right leg, biting his lip.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you pull me out of school?” Luhan asks with a cold stare, ignoring Minseok’s worried glances at his bad leg.

“Ramen cannot wait for mundane things such as school,” Minseok says, looking down at Luhan’s hand. Luhan can almost hear the gears turning in Minseok’s head, wondering if he’s allowed to touch Luhan again or if he had already done too much. Saving Minseok from further loss of brain cells, Luhan suggests for Minseok to lead the way. He can tell that Minseok, too, is overwhelmed by the feeling of nostalgia when they would always eat ramen whenever it was available for them.

“You’re okay with this?” Minseok asks, surprised at Luhan’s willingness to cooperate.

Luhan looks at him with a measured stare. “You are paying, right?”

~~

Minseok continues to drop by the school, often buying lunch for Luhan and walking him home after school, to “make sure that Sehun and his friends won’t gang up on him without Minseok around.” Luhan would always roll his eyes and walk away from him, but Minseok never fails to notice how Luhan’s walking pace slows down, as if he’s hinting at Minseok to walk beside him.

Minseok would gratefully take the hint, skipping by Luhan’s side and making the most random comments (“Isn’t it weird that even though it’s day time here, people are sleeping on the other side of the world? And what about you, Lu? Have you been sleeping well?”) Luhan swears it’s like his hidden talent: Minseok is always able to turn any topic around to focus on Luhan instead.

Luhan’s responses come in the form of hums and stares that are usually blank, or if Minseok’s lucky, Luhan would look at him in disbelief. (He did this when Minseok apologised for being late in walking him home because he had diarrhoea.) Regardless of Luhan’s lack of verbal response, Minseok continues to speak anyway because of the occasional smiles on Luhan’s face (even though they aren’t directed at him, mostly because Luhan is looking away), and Luhan doesn’t tell him to shut up or discourage him from talking either.

On one particular afternoon, after a deadly math test, Minseok decides to take Luhan out so they can eat ramen after school. Before entering the shop, Minseok dejectedly looks at his wallet that’s quickly becoming empty. He sighs, knowing that he’ll have to take on another part time job in the near future.

Once they’re seated with their ramen, a miracle unfolds. Usually, when eating together, Luhan would only speak to give thanks for the food. Today, however, is different. Minseok is in the middle of inhaling his noodles when Luhan puts his chopsticks down and clears his throat.

“Do you not have any plans of returning to school?”

Minseok looks at him for a moment before coughing. Luhan’s brows furrow in worry as Minseok reaches out for a drink, clearly surprised at the fact that Luhan had just spoken to him about him.

“I… uh… Sorry about that,” Minseok says, wiping the corners of his mouth. “And no, I don’t.”

“Why not?” Luhan asks. “Isn’t it better to at least be able to say that you graduated from high school when you apply for jobs than saying you’re a drop out?”

“I don’t really know,” Minseok admits. “I don’t have the qualifications to enter the other high schools nearby and I don’t think Converse High will accept me again.”

Luhan frowns at that. “Why not?”

Minseok looks uncomfortable in his seat. Luhan raises an eyebrow at him, prompting for him to continue. “We can’t go to the same school, Lu.”

“What?”

“You were a victim. I was a perpetrator. I was your perpetrator. There’s a rule against it,” Minseok says, ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest by downing more noodles. Luhan sits through the familiar sight of Minseok eating ramen like there’s no tomorrow, pondering about what he had just said.

“But…” Luhan hesitates, making Minseok look up. “But I wasn’t a victim. You weren’t a perpetrator. We were just… very unlucky friends.”

Minseok’s throat can’t seem to get any rest that day when he continues to violently cough in their table, gathering attention from the other customers. Luhan worriedly passes him a napkin once Minseok is done with his coughing fit.

“Sorry, I thought I misheard you,” Minseok says with a nervous laugh. “I thought you said we were -”

“Are,” Luhan grumbles, twirling noodles around his chopsticks, avoiding Minseok’s eyes. “Friends.”

The long, pregnant silence that follows afterwards makes Luhan nervous to the point that he drops his chopsticks. He looks up to see Minseok looking at him with an unfamiliar look on his face.

“Friends,” Minseok says after a while. “Is that what we’re calling it?”

It’s Luhan’s turn to cough in the sudden change of atmosphere. “Well. Can we call it anything else at this point?” Minseok blinks, smiling at the exchange between them, content that he had been able to carry on a conversation with him – along with the confirmation that they were friends.

They eat the rest of their noodles in a comfortable silence before Minseok takes out his wallet, ready to pay for their meal, when Luhan beats him to it.

“You know what they say,” Luhan comments offhandedly, “a gentleman pays.”

“A gentleman pays…?” Minseok prompts, knowing that the phrase seems too short for it to be a proper saying.

“A gentleman pays,” Luhan deadpans, rolling his eyes at Minseok before leaving the shop, making sure to wait for Minseok to catch up.

~~

Minseok doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s weird. He’s weird. Luhan’s weird. Everything is weird. It’s as if he woke up one morning with no idea of what’s happening around him and to him.

He gets up at 6:30 A.M., preparing a breakfast for himself and a lunch box for Luhan to enjoy during the day. Luhan stops by his house at 7 in the morning, claiming that he had left a textbook of his in Minseok’s house, but Minseok can’t help but notice the plastic containing the fresh steamed buns, obviously meant for Minseok.

“Here,” Minseok says, handing Luhan the lunch box, “put this in your bag now so we can start walking soon.”

“Alright,” Luhan says as he does what he’s told before putting on his shoes. Minseok takes the steamed buns with him before he closes the door and they enjoy the fresh morning air, with Minseok passing the bun to Luhan who takes a bite out of it.

“Do you have any tests today?” Minseok asks, looking down at their matching walking pace, comparing their shoe sizes. He remembers seeing Luhan’s sport shoes that look a little too worn out…

“Minseok!” Luhan doesn’t get the chance to reply when Jongdae rushes over to Minseok’s side, crushing him in a tight hug. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! I’ve missed you.”

“Jongdae,” Minseok says with a light chuckle, a warm feeling spreading over his chest at the sight of his friend. “It’s only been a month. There’s not much to miss.”

“Yeah, your big mouth,” Jongdae says light-heartedly before turning to Luhan. “Did you come all the way here to drop him off?”

“Pffft, no-”

“He always does this,” Luhan says with a tone that Minseok can’t quite identify. He sighs, like Minseok is a hopeless case, taking a good look at him before turning to Jongdae with a tight-lipped smile. Minseok rolls his eyes before seeing both of his friends off to school, feeling like his days are getting better and more progressive.

~~

Fate. Minseok should know better than anyone else that nothing – despite how badly he wishes it – is ever so smooth when it comes to fate. It’s what Minseok hates the most – the unpredictability of things, the unexpected outliers, the sudden life changing events and the events that leave your heart shrouded in fear.

Minseok arrives at the school twenty minutes after the classes finish. He stands by the gates, wondering if Luhan had gotten impatient with waiting for him and went home instead. Just when he’s about to take out his phone to call him, his arms are grabbed by the equally frightened figures of Baekhyun and Jongdae.

“Oh, hey, what’s-” The words die down in Minseok’s throat once he is hit with the familiarity of the situation. Both Baekhyun and Jongdae had only run across trouble whenever it came to –

“Shit!” Minseok’s heart feels like lead. “Where? Where are they?”

“We don’t know!” Baekhyun’s voice rises to a pitch that Minseok doesn’t think is possible, “we tried to follow them but we lost them so we had to try looking for you instead because you weren’t answering your phone and-”

“Holy shit. Holy fucking shit,” Minseok breathes out. “How am I going to find-”

“We’ll split up,” Jongdae says, placing a hand on Minseok’s wrist. “Breathe, Minseok. We’ll find him, okay?”

Minseok nods, agreeing to keep their phones on loud so that they are able to notify each other once they come across Luhan or any of the three boys. According to one of Jongdae’s texts, Luhan had taken revenge for the sake of Minseok by revealing that it was Sehun who stole the motorbike, not Minseok. Sehun, Zitao and Chanyeol had barely managed to get away from the group of men but Luhan was not fortunate enough to run away from the three.

It takes them ten minutes to find Luhan. They find him in an alleyway, next to a dumpster, and even from the distance Minseok can tell that Luhan is too weak to stand on his own. He’s lying on the floor, no sight of his polo shirt, with evident hits on his chest and abdomen. Minseok crouches down on the floor to further examine the damage, to find that both of Luhan’s eyes will swell in the morning and that he’s missing a tooth. But most importantly –

“Don’t,” Luhan hisses when Minseok reaches out to touch his right leg.

“What did they do to you,” Minseok growls in a low voice. “Luhan, tell me.”

“Fuck!” Luhan shouts at no one in particular. “What do you think they did? Of course they stepped on my right leg like it was a treadmill. Fucking hell. Fuck, I couldn’t even run away from them…” A sob racks through his body, bringing Minseok back to reality.

He wraps his arms around Luhan’s torso, holding making sure to touch him in the places that he feels comfortable with. “I’m sorry, Lu. I’ll get them back.”

“Don’t,” Luhan hisses as he lets out another sob. “Don’t. Stop it. Stop this. I don’t want you to fight anymore. I don’t want people to be caught up in this anymore. Stop stooping down to their level and just… Just help me up, Seok.”

Minseok follows Luhan’s requests, and with the help of Jongdae and Baekhyun, they support Luhan all the way to Minseok’s house. Baekhyun carries Luhan’s bag whereas Jongdae is acting as their guide in the direction of the house, and its owner is more focused on keeping Luhan upright.

“We’re almost there, Lu,” Minseok promises as Jongdae unlocks the door, and they carefully set Luhan down on the couch. “Are you sure you don’t need to go the hospital?”

“No,” Luhan croaks out. “It’s okay. I just… need some ointment and a lot of rest… but don’t tell mom…”

Minseok takes a deep breath, feeling the start of a headache. He bids Jongdae and Baekhyun goodnight; not before thanking them for all that they have done, before he tends to Luhan. Like a good patient, Luhan remains still when Minseok goes over his bruises and his cuts, barely hissing in pain as Minseok cleans them and applies the rightful ointments. Luhan looks at the worried creases on Minseok’s forehead, knowing that the only thing overwhelming the boy is the feeling of guilt.

“I’m sorry,” Minseok says, and Luhan thinks he spoke too soon. “If I had gotten to you in time, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“It’s not your fault,” Luhan says in a tired voice. This is really the last thing he needs after a rough afternoon.

“Yes, it is,” Minseok says, suddenly feeling his blood boil in anger. “If I had looked after you… If I had gotten to you in time… If I didn’t anger those three… If only I-”

“There you go again,” Luhan snaps, “Are we going to be like this all the time? I thought I made it clear that I had forgiven you for all of that, and what matters to me is that you’re with me, safe and sound.”

Minseok takes a sharp intake of breath. It doesn’t escape Luhan’s notice that Minseok seems to always do that. He never used to do that before. “But Luhan… it’s not that easy. I get it. I know it. I know what you mean. I know what you want.”

“And what’s that?” Luhan asks, looking at Minseok with a steely determination.

“Me,” Minseok says, lowering his head. Luhan reaches out to lift Minseok’s chin, their gazes meeting in an unfamiliar territory. “I want you, too, Luhan, but it’s hard.”

“What can be so hard about that?”

“I love you the most but I hurt you the most,” Minseok says, his voice cracking. He doesn’t move away from Luhan’s touch, making Luhan feel even worse at the sight of the tears forming in the tears of Minseok’s eyes. “I want to give you anything and everything you want, and I know that I’m capable of that because it’s me that you want, just me. But I’m terrified. I’ll do anything to make you happy and I want to stay with you but I feel like I’m going to ruin things because I’m… me.”

Luhan takes a deep breath, moving his hand away from Minseok’s face. “Seok, you know that there’s a reason why it’s you, right?”

“It doesn’t make sense,” Minseok admits, knowing that the reasons go a lot deeper than either of them can comprehend. Maybe that’s fate. “But Lu… I love being with you everyday, supporting you in every way that I can. But I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I want to give you the world but at the same time I feel like I took the world away from you. It’s tearing me apart. I feel like clawing at myself every waking moment of my life.”

“Stop,” Luhan whispers, his lips ghosting over Minseok’s head, as he reaches down to ruffle his hair. “Don’t act like you’re the only one who has made mistakes, and like you’ll be the only one to make mistakes here. I’m not perfect and you don’t have to act like I am. I’m not asking for much – just – for your company. That’s all I want.”

“That’s all?” Minseok asks, his eyes looking over Luhan’s bare chest, before stopping at his face. Minseok licks his lips, his throat suddenly dry.

“But most importantly,” Luhan says, sitting down cross-legged, “I don’t want you to be with me because you feel guilty or because you feel obligated to, but because you actually want to be with me.”

“I love having you around,” Minseok says, somewhat dazed and unsure of where the conversation is heading.

The look on Luhan’s face softens. “Then there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“But…”

“Trust me, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Minseok nods, finally giving in to Luhan’s words. They sit there in silence for a moment, letting their words sink in, wondering what it means for them. After a while, Luhan pokes Minseok on the cheek.

“So are you going to lend me a shirt or are you just going to continue staring at my abs?”

“Fuck,” Minseok curses under his breath. “How did you read my mind?”

Luhan laughs for the first time that evening. It’s a light, warm sound filling the cold empty house of Minseok’s. Minseok looks at him with a chaste smile on his lips, before leaning in and meeting Luhan’s lips with his. Luhan sighs in contentment before wrapping his arms around Minseok’s neck, pulling him closer to his body.

“How are you already at my house?” Minseok whispers against Luhan’s mouth.

“Yah!” Luhan says, breaking away from Minseok, hitting him lightly in the arm. “You need to buy me dinner first.”

“I have bought you dinner. Multiple times.” Minseok stops, as if deep in thought, before continuing, “Your mom will kill me. She told me to stay away from you and here you are, shirtless, in my home.”

“That’s because she’s known all this time,” Luhan admits and Minseok looks at Luhan like he’s grown another head. “Apparently we didn’t hide it very well. And you know, mother’s intuition.”

“Well, fuck,” Minseok mutters under his breath before retreating to his bedroom, looking for a spare shirt that could fit Luhan. He grabs a few blankets from the bedroom, knowing that it will be too difficult for Luhan to properly stand up at this rate. Minseok sets down the blankets and pillows in the living room, making sure that there’s enough space for the two of them to lie on. He’s not quite sure how comfortable Luhan is with Minseok touching him just yet, and he doesn’t want to push it either.

“If you feel… uncomfortable with lying down with me, I can move to the bedroom,” Minseok offers and Luhan blinks at him owlishly.

“No, it’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Why do you have so many questions? Help me lie down so I can go to sleep.”

Minseok laughs at Luhan’s demands, carefully wrapping his arms around him as he provides support. After a few minutes of playfully hitting each other under the blankets, Luhan turns to Minseok with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Do you think that fate has a way of getting the right people back together?”

“Maybe.”

“Like maybe we were loose ends and fate let us meet each other again so we could be tied up together for the rest of eternity.”

“I thought you wanted to sleep.”

“I just want to hear about how much you love me.”

“A lot. Maybe more than ramen.”

“Okay. That’s cool. You know that you’re stuck with me, right?”

“I am vaguely aware.”

“But like-”

“Luhan, are you genuinely curious or are you just talking a lot because you want me to kiss you again?”

Luhan gives him an innocent smile, and Minseok laughs as he complies to his requests. Luhan wraps an arm around Minseok, leaning their foreheads against each other’s. “Please don’t give up on me because you think you aren’t enough. I’ve always had more than enough with you around.”

“Okay,” Minseok says, pursing his lips as they both turn in the blankets, left to their own thoughts until sleep comes to greet them. Minseok is more than grateful that in the morning, Luhan is still sound asleep next to him, realising that everything that happened wasn’t a dream. Maybe if his life consists of Luhan next to his side, Minseok will stop sleepwalking through life.




Author's Note: *Converse High is the name of a Bangtan Boys song, so I do not own it, whatsoever. I ended up using this name for the fun of it.