#350 Ever After

[seokmonsters]

Title: Ever After
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan
Side pairing(s): brief Xiumin/Hani, Changmin/Victoria
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 20,264
Warnings: major character death (but there's life after death)
Summary: Life and death separate Minseok and Lu Han, and it's up to love to bring them back together.

Author's Notes: Thank you to the lovely mods, to K and D, and to whoever left this prompt!





Part 1


The first time Minseok cries in front of Lu Han is the day he dies.

It all happens so fast. One day, Lu Han is a little sick, coughing and sniffling, but neither of them thinks anything of it. Two days later, his fever spikes high enough that Minseok drags him to the hospital, trying not to panic as a disoriented Lu Han keeps switching between Korean and rapid-fire Chinese. That very same night sees him fighting for his life despite the antibiotics the doctors have pumped into him.

It's approaching four in the morning when Lu Han wakes out of a fitful sleep. (Minseok hasn't closed his eyes for a second since they arrived in the hospital, afraid of what he might wake up to.) He looks right at Minseok and for a moment Minseok hopes, but then Lu Han frowns and asks in Chinese, "Where am I?"

The question is simple enough for Minseok to understand, but he can't formulate an answer in Chinese, so he says, "In the hospital" in Korean. He watches Lu Han, desperately willing him to understand, but his frown only deepens. Moments later, his eyes unfocus and he slumps back against his pillow, eyes closing again.

Minseok hasn't slept in twenty-one hours and he's never seen anything like this and he's scared, really scared that he's losing Lu Han. "Please," he whispers as tears well up in his eyes. "Please, Lu Han, you have to fight this." Words fail him and he covers his face with his hands as the tears spill over, crying harder than he has since he was a little kid.

He cries until he has no tears left and then he looks up and finds Lu Han lying still, eyes closed, unaware. That hurts like a knife to his chest, but Minseok can't cry anymore, so he just takes Lu Han's hand and sits and waits and prays. It's so hard to not be able to do anything, but at the very least, he'll stay by Lu Han's side. He won't leave Lu Han to suffer alone.

Two hours later, Lu Han's parents arrive from Beijing. They're utterly distraught, expecting the worst, but Minseok is at a loss for how to comfort them when he's barely hanging on himself. He struggles to communicate with them, but he has nothing good to say anyway, nothing more than faint and quite possibly vain hope to offer.

Three hours after that, without ever opening his eyes to see his parents and Minseok at his side, Lu Han dies.


* * *

Lu Han opens his eyes to an unfamiliar landscape. It's not so much that anything stands out as strange or different. Rather, nothing stands out in this nondescript place, his gaze gliding over the scenery without really registering anything in it. Nothing, that is, until he notices a man standing nearby, watching him curiously like he's waiting for something.

"Where are we?" Lu Han asks, but he realizes as soon as the words are out of his mouth that that's the least of his questions. He knows his name is Lu Han, in some fundamental way that he can't explain, but he doesn't know how old he is or where he's from or what he was doing before he opened his eyes here. He knows what sleeping and waking are, but he doesn't know if he's asleep or awake, doesn't even remember ever falling asleep or waking up. He knows, in that same fundamental way, the person that he is, but he doesn't know how he became that person. He doesn't remember any people or places or experiences before this.

The strange man waits without answering, as if he knows what's going through Lu Han's head. He may not be a mind reader (Lu Han is pretty sure that that's impossible), but it's clear from his thoughtful expression that he knows more than Lu Han does. "How did I get here?" Lu Han asks him. "Do you know who I am?"

"I don't." The man's dimpled smile seems incongruous, even though Lu Han doesn't feel upset, only confused. "I'm Yixing, by the way. What's your name?"

"Lu Han. But I don't remember anything else."

"That's all right," Yixing tells him. "Just be patient and you'll remember everything soon enough." It's strange, when he still has no idea what's going on or who Yixing is, for Lu Han to feel reassured, but he does.

"What is this place?" Lu Han asks. "How did I get here?"

"So many questions." Judging by his unwavering smile, Yixing doesn't really mind. "You're in between, and you're here because you died."

"I what?" The calmness Lu Han was feeling disappears in an instant as Yixing's words hit him like a ton of bricks. "I died? How did I die?"

"That I don't know," Yixing says sympathetically. "You may remember along with everything else, but if you feel shocked, that probably means it was sudden."

"I..." Lu Han frowns, searching his mind for some hint. There's nothing to explain how he died, but he does remember one piece of information that wasn't there before. "I'm twenty-nine. Only twenty-nine. I shouldn't be dead at twenty-nine."

Yixing shakes his head. "Death comes for everyone, I'm afraid. I escorted a four-year-old girl once."

Lu Han doesn't want to think about four-year-olds dying, so he focuses on the rest of what Yixing said. "Escorted? Is that what you're here for, to escort me somewhere?"

"Yes." Yixing's smile returns full force. "I'm going to escort you to heaven whenever you're ready."

"Ready?" Lu Han asks. He's still reeling from the knowledge that he's dead, but his curiosity about what awaits him after is an effective distraction. "What do I have to do to be ready, remember everything?"

Yixing laughs, but not unkindly. "All you have to do is get up." He walks over and offers Lu Han a hand. "What do you say? Ready?"

Lu Han doesn't think he's ready to accept that he's dead, and he hasn't the faintest idea if he's ready for whatever he'll find in heaven, but there's no use just sitting here. He's ready to get up, at least. "Sure." He grabs Yixing's hand and pulls himself up. "Let's go."


* * *

Minseok passes the first few weeks after Lu Han's death in a daze. He goes to his office and mechanically completes his work, but he hardly looks at anyone, never says a word he doesn't have to. He can't deal with people and their pity, can't let himself think too much or feel anything because when he does, it'll hurt more than he can bear.

His friends help out the best they can, taking turns bringing food and making sure he eats it, keeping the apartment clean, dealing with the mundane tasks that follow a death that neither Lu Han's parents nor Minseok can handle right now. Minseok is dimly aware of what they're doing and he'll feel grateful when he starts feeling again, but there's only so much they can do. They can't bring Lu Han back, and none of them have any magical words to say to make this all right.

His parents also do what they can, and even his little sister, who's never taken care of him before, checks up on him regularly. Minseok is lucky to have so many people who worry about him, but he doesn't feel lucky. Mostly he feels tired, tired and empty. He never would've thought he'd be the kind of person to fall apart like this over losing someone, even the love of his life, but he also never would've thought he'd lose Lu Han so young or so suddenly. It's knocked his feet out from under him and he can't seem to get back up.

"Do you want to talk, hyung?" Jongdae asks one night when it's his turn to bring over food. He looks tired, Minseok notes, and sad; Lu Han was his friend too, and it can't be easy to deal with losing him while also looking after Minseok. "I'm worried about you. Isn't there anything we can do?"

Minseok feels guilty, but distantly, like the emotion is there but barely touching him. It's not enough to pull him out of this dark hole he's fallen into. "Don't worry about me," he says. "I'll be okay." He can see from Jongdae's expression that it's not convincing, but it's all he's got.

Jongdae puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes a little too tight. "I understand if you're not ready. You don't have to rush. But when you are ready to talk, or if you need anything at all, don't forget you have friends, okay? Any time, just call."

He still sounds so sad, and Minseok doesn't know what to say, so he pulls Jongdae into a hug, hoping that's enough. He also hopes it's not a lie when he repeats, "I'll be okay. I promise."


* * *

It's a strange place, this "in between," as Yixing calls it. It's not that there's nothing there, Lu Han thinks, but no matter how much he looks around, his eyes can't seem to focus on anything specific. It bothers him at first, but soon enough, he stops paying attention. There are better things to focus on than the scenery.

They've been walking for what feels like hours, though Lu Han's watch hasn't budged and he doesn't feel tired. The only thing that's changed is that he knows a little more about himself, memories creeping in painfully slowly to fill the massive gaps in his mind.

He knows that his name is Lu Han and he was born in Beijing, but he lived in Seoul when he died at age twenty-nine. He doesn't remember what his job was, but he can picture the office where he did it, and the faces of coworkers whose names and personalities he can't remember. He remembers the kitchen of the apartment he lived in but not the bedroom, and he remembers that someone lived there with him, but not who it was.

"Shouldn't I remember the important things first?" he asks Yixing. "If there was someone I loved, I should remember them before my coworkers."

Yixing shrugs. "If there's a logic to the way people remember, I haven't figured it out yet. Just be patient. It'll all come back in time."

"How long is this walk to heaven anyway? Why is it so far away?"

"You may be ready to go toward heaven, but you're not ready to go in. The walk will be as long as it needs to be." Yixing smiles enigmatically, to Lu Han's annoyance.

"If we're going to be traveling for a while, you should at least be better company," Lu Han grumbles.

That makes Yixing laugh. "All right, then. I'll do my best."

For a while, Lu Han ignores the slow expansion of his memories and asks Yixing questions about himself and the journey to heaven. Yixing answers everything readily until Lu Han asks, "What's heaven like?"

He doesn't balk at the question, only answers, "I don't know. I've never been there."

"What? But you said you're dead, right?"

"I am." Yixing is still smiling, seemingly amused by Lu Han's confusion. "But instead of going right into heaven, I became an angel."

"An angel?" Lu Han looks Yixing up and down. Even with that cute smile and those dimples, he doesn't fit Lu Han's image of an angel. "You're an angel?"

"I guess we're not the traditional kind of angels," Yixing explains. "We're the ones responsible for guiding souls to heaven."

"But..." Lu Han has so many questions he doesn't know where to start. "Why didn't you go into heaven?"

"I wasn't ready, even after I remembered everything." For the first time, there's something guarded in Yixing's expression that tells Lu Han he shouldn't ask why, but only a moment later, Yixing goes back to smiling as he continues, "So I decided to become an angel, and I really like it. I get to talk to so many interesting people."

"Am I interesting?" There's a lot more Lu Han wants to know, but this seems like a safe question.

Sure enough, Yixing's smile widens. "You seem like it so far. Have you remembered anything else interesting about yourself?"

Lu Han lets him change the subject, stopping to search for new pieces in his memories. "I remember...the hospital, I think." He frowns, trying to make sense of the images. His other memories have holes in them, some gaping, but this is different, like what he saw and felt is distorted, blurred. "I don't know why. I don't remember being sick. Or, wait...I had a cold before that. But people don't die of colds. What happened to me?"

"You may never remember," Yixing says sympathetically. "Does it really matter?"

Lu Han is curious, but Yixing is right that it doesn't matter. Dead is dead, whatever the reason. "I guess not." He considers his memories again. "There was someone with me in the hospital. It was...my parents? Oh, I remember my parents! But someone else too. Probably the person I lived with, right? Why can't I remember him?"

"Him?" Yixing echoes, startling Lu Han as he realizes what he said. Yixing smiles at that. "See? You do remember something. Just be patient."

On thing Lu Han does remember is that he was never a particularly patient person, but there's nothing else he can do right now, so he nods. "I'll try," he says, "but I hope I remember soon."


* * *

It takes three and a half weeks after Lu Han dies for the protective wall Minseok's put up around himself to crack, and when it happens, it's sudden, unexpected. It's Sunday morning and he's just gotten up from the couch where he's been sleeping because he can't stand waking up and expecting Lu Han to be next to him in bed. He stumbles sleepily to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, looking around for something to have for breakfast. It's nearly empty, and he doesn't feel hungry anyway, so he closes the door again.

He's done this often enough in the last few weeks, when he remembered to eat without prodding. There's no reason for this time to be any different except that he looks up and for the first time he registers the note stuck to the door with a cute magnet advertising a plumbing company. It's a shopping list with only two things on it, dish soap and rice, nothing remarkable about it except that it's in Lu Han's handwriting.

It's just a shopping list, a little shopping list that Minseok has looked at before without noticing it, but it's a shopping list that Lu Han wrote before he died. He'll never write another one, never ask Minseok to pick something up on the way home from work or stand in this kitchen laughing as he realizes they're out of something important, and somehow this stupid little shopping list is the last straw that pushes Minseok out of this haze he's been living in and makes him finally face the fact that Lu Han is gone forever.

It hits him like a ton of bricks, making him grab the handle on the refrigerator door to keep from falling to his knees. He's barely aware that there are tears welling up in his eyes because it doesn't even really feel like sadness yet; it just hurts. Lu Han is gone and a whole future of him being gone stretches out before Minseok and he can't even begin to know how to cope with that, but he doesn't have a choice. Lu Han is gone and he's never coming back.

Minseok doesn't know how long he stays there, slumped against the refrigerator, crying his eyes out like he's not sure he ever has before, not even the night Lu Han died. Only once he's cried himself out does he make it as far as their little kitchen table, slumping into a chair and putting his head down on his arms, drawing in loud, shaky breaths.

Lu Han would laugh at you, he tells himself. Well, first he'd laugh awkwardly and then he'd panic and hug you, but in the end he'd laugh again. 'So tough guy Kim Minseok can cry.' It's so easy to imagine Lu Han doing all of that, and for a second it makes Minseok feel a little better, but then it just hurts again.

He doesn't realize he's been sitting like that for hours until he hears the door open (and he hates that for one awful second, he thinks it's Lu Han). With everyone who's been coming by recently, he left a spare key out for them, and he can't remember who's supposed to come today. He hopes it's not his sister, who he doesn't want to see him like this, or his parents, who hurt whenever they see him hurting. Jongdae would be okay, or Junmyeon, who is good at comforting and has no room to talk about anyone else crying.

"Hyung, are you here?" It's Baekhyun, and Minseok thinks that might be even worse than his family. Baekhyun means well, but he knows how to deal with emotional scenes even less than Lu Han did.

Minseok doesn't answer, not trusting his voice, but the apartment isn't that big and Baekhyun finds him quickly, running into the kitchen. "What's wrong? Hyung? Are you okay?" He puts his hands on Minseok's shoulders and shakes like he thinks he's asleep or unconscious.

Reluctantly, Minseok lifts his head. He must look terrible after all that crying, but there's no hiding now. Judging by the way Baekhyun's eyes go wide, he's not thinking about that anyway. "Did something happen?"

"I saw the shopping list." Minseok chokes on the last word, and he's afraid he might cry again, but he manages not to.

Baekhyun is understandably baffled. "What are you talking about?"

"The shopping list." Minseok gestures toward the fridge. "Lu Han wrote it."

"Oh." He can see the wariness in Baekhyun's expression as he tries to figure out the right thing to do, fidgeting nervously for a few long moments before he gives up. "I'm sorry, hyung. I don't know what to say. You know I'm useless at comforting people. Just...tell me what I can do."

Minseok doesn't know himself if there's anything Baekhyun can do. Nothing will change the situation, but he doesn't want to be alone right now. "You don't have to say anything. It's better if you don't. But stay?"

Baekhyun looks nervous at the prospect, but then he steels himself and nods firmly. "Okay. Whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thank you," Minseok says, and then he puts his head down on the table because he's not ready for anything more. Baekhyun's hand finds its way to his back in a hesitant but comforting touch, and Minseok thinks, as he focuses on breathing steadily, that maybe everything hurts just a little bit less than before.


* * *

Lu Han hasn't slept, but it feels like he's been in between for days on end. "How does it work?" he asks Yixing. "Is there no night here? How long have we been walking?"

Yixing shrugs like he doesn't even care to know. "Time passes here, or it seems to, but there's no night, so there are no days to count, and we don't need to sleep. It'll be easier for you if you stop thinking of this place and yourself in human terms. We're not on earth, and you're not really human anymore. Time doesn't matter to you."

It's not a satisfactory answer, but Lu Han has better things to think about. His memories are still trickling in at the same pace, and it's maddeningly slow, but little by little, the gaps are closing. He remembers most of his childhood, and he remembers working for the Seoul branch of a Chinese manufacturing company. He remembers being in the hospital, but it's in jumbled fragments that he can't piece together, still distorted.

As for the person who was there with him in the hospital, the person he lived with, he remembers only fleeting moments and isolated details. He remembers a charmingly crooked smile and small hands cupping his cheeks. He remembers someone calling him "Lu-ge" in accented Mandarin but nothing of the context. Most frustrating of all, he remembers the love he felt for this person, and yet he can't remember who he is.

And then it comes, out of the blue. "Minseok," Lu Han tells Yixing, breaking off in the middle of a question that no longer seems important. "His name is Minseok." Lu Han has no reason to doubt his memories, but beyond that, there's a familiarity to the name in his mouth that makes him sure it's right.

"Your boyfriend?" Yixing asks. It's the first time either of them has referred to him as that, but it feels right too. Lu Han nods, and Yixing grins. "Now we're talking. It'll all come back to you soon enough."

And it does, bit by bit. He remembers Kim Minseok, the same age as him (he has yet to remember the explanation for the "Lu-ge" thing), his boyfriend of almost six years before he died. He remembers Minseok in their shared apartment, laughing sometimes and serious other times, Minseok sleeping curled up beside him, Minseok sitting next to him on the couch watching TV, Minseok lying draped across him with his hands in Lu Han's hair and his lips on Lu Han's.

Then he remembers Minseok in the hospital and stops walking abruptly. "He cried." Lu Han notices how choked up he sounds before he registers the emotions that hit him together with that memory. It's hazy like everything he remembers from the hospital, nothing more than the broken sound of Minseok's voice, but it's enough to hurt. "He never cried, no matter what happened, but he cried over me in the hospital." He breathes in sharply, feeling like he might cry himself. "We were happy together. We were happy and then I made him cry and now he's alone."

For the first time since Lu Han arrived in between, he really thinks about what it means. He's been focused on his curiosity about this strange place and his missing memories, but this isn't some fun adventure; he's here because he's dead. The life that gave him all those memories is gone for good, all his hopes and dreams for the future cut short, and he's left Minseok and his parents and all the friends he's remembered behind to mourn him.

Yixing comes up behind him and plants his hands on Lu Han's shoulders, rubbing comfortingly. "Isn't there anything I can do?" Lu Han asks plaintively. "It can't be over just like that."

"I'm sorry," is all Yixing says, but that's answer enough. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much he desperately wishes he could have more time, he's dead, and there's no going back.


* * *

It gets better. Not immediately, not even soon, but little by little, it gets better. Waking up to life means having to deal with the pain of losing Lu Han, but it also means that Minseok can feel positive emotions again. He feels gratitude toward the friends and family who have stuck by his side, and love for them. He can smile when something good happens, and eventually laugh again. Perhaps most importantly, he can start to feel hope that he'll get through this.

There's a guilt that comes with that feeling, because moving on feels like letting go of Lu Han and Minseok isn't ready to do that, but he does the best he can to cope with all his complicated emotions, and to let himself lean on the people around him when he can't. Everyone tells him that it'll get easier, and he can only hope that they're right.

Minseok moves out of the apartment he and Lu Han shared four months after Lu Han's death. He can afford the rent alone, but it's a stretch, and he thinks he'll be happier in a smaller place, somewhere that doesn't feel too empty and doesn't remind him of Lu Han in so many little ways. He doesn't want to forget, but it's too much like this.

A small army of friends descends to help him pack, which is a little overwhelming, but mostly a relief. The noise distracts him from thinking too much about how Lu Han bought him that silly hamster face coffee cup that's going into a box, or remembering as he wipes down the bedroom window how Lu Han looked out it on the day they moved in and joked that he was checking whether anyone would be able to see them if they had sex against it. Some memories make him smile, but it hasn't been long enough yet for them not to hurt.

Junmyeon takes it upon himself to collect Lu Han's remaining things, like the clothes Minseok never took out of their drawers or the work bag he shoved in the back of the closet. "I'll sort through it and contact his parents to see if there's anything they want," Junmyeon says, and Minseok thanks him, grateful that he doesn't have to face the task himself.

The downside of having so much help is that it seems like no time at all before everything is packed up and cleaned and it's time to leave. Minseok knows it's the right decision, but it feels too final, like he's closing the door on the Lu Han chapter of his life. It's been hard living here alone the last few months, but he has so many happy memories of this apartment too.

"Do you want a minute alone?" Jongdae asks when all the boxes have been carried out. Minseok hesitates for only a moment before he nods.

The apartment looks so empty and it feels so quiet with everyone gone, too quiet. Minseok bites his lip and clenches his fists as he looks around; he's not going to cry now. Instead, he takes a steadying breath and faces his memories, good and bad.

He remembers exactly how Lu Han laughed when he made a mess of their kitchen with a frying experiment gone wrong, and how he promised to make it up to Minseok when they were done cleaning. He remembers Lu Han's shy smile when he brought home flowers on the first anniversary they spent living together, and the way the flowers smelled squished between them when Minseok kissed him after. He remembers watching TV together and talking and sleeping side by side, the feel of Lu Han's hands on his skin and the way Lu Han looked at him like nothing else in the world mattered.

He remembers other things too: fights, usually over stupid things, or nights when they were too tired after work to say a word to each other. He remembers worrying about paying rent, and Lu Han miserably considering moving back to Beijing where he could be close to his parents and not forever feel like an outsider. Life wasn't perfect for them, and there's no reason to pretend it was just because Lu Han died.

But most of all, Minseok remembers that Lu Han was here, that the two of them lived here and were happy here and nothing can change that. No matter how much time passes, no matter what the future brings, Minseok won't forget that. For himself, and for Lu Han too, Minseok won't let go of those memories.


* * *

Lu Han wishes he could sleep so that he could have a reprieve from his thoughts. It's quiet and peaceful here, in between with Yixing, but he can't appreciate it. He's still struggling with the realization that his human life is over and everything that went with it is gone beyond his reach, and with his worries for the people he left behind.

"Will it feel better when I get to heaven?" he asks Yixing.

"It doesn't work like that," Yixing tells him gently. "It's like waiting for your memories to come back. You have to be patient and trust that you'll find your peace in time. By the time you get to heaven, you won't need to feel better anymore. You'll be ready to let go of the past and go in."

"And if I'm not?" Lu Han presses.

"We'll worry about that if it happens," Yixing says. "No use borrowing trouble." Before Lu Han can argue, he continues, "Tell me more about Minseok. Or something else, if you like, but tell me about a happy memory."

It seems like that should be counterproductive, but surely Yixing knows better than Lu Han what will help. Reluctantly, he searches his mind for a good choice, something to make them smile. "There was one time I got the stupid idea to make doughnuts. I made a mess just preparing them, and then I screwed up the frying and splattered oil all over the kitchen. Minseok always kept everything clean so he was so annoyed with me, but he helped me clean up anyway."

"That was nice of him," Yixing comments.

Lu Han laughs. "I made it up to him with a blowjob in the shower after. I'm not sure if it was a fair trade for that much cleaning, but he seemed okay with it." Too late, he remembers who he's talking to. "Uh, sorry. Is it weird to talk about blowjobs to an angel?"

Now Yixing laughs, only looking more innocent as his dimples flash. "Don't worry about it. I was human too, you know." That makes Lu Han curious, but before he can pry, Yixing asks, "Got any other good stories?"

With his tongue loosened, Lu Han tells Yixing about his life with Minseok, and about his other friends in Seoul, and some stories about his childhood too. Yixing provides a good audience, laughing and asking questions and teasing sometimes when Lu Han reveals something embarrassing, and the heaviness in Lu Han's heart gradually lessens as he focuses on his good memories. For all that his life was much shorter than he thought it would be, there was a lot in it, and he and the people in his life had a lot of happy moments together.

"Do you feel better?" Yixing asks after a while.

"A little," Lu Han concedes.

Yixing beams like this is some big accomplishment. "I know it's hard when everything ends so suddenly, but there's no use dwelling on what's gone. You have to remember the good things that you did have, and trust that the people you left behind will remember you but be all right without you."

Lu Han breathes out loudly and then squares his shoulders, determined. He's never been the type to dwell on things, and even if this is bigger than anything he's faced before, he shouldn't start now. Minseok is tough, and he has a lot of good friends around him; he'll be okay. His parents too, they're strong and they have each other for support. He has to believe in them, and do his best to be strong too.

"All right. Let's get on with it. It's about time we got to heaven."


* * *

Minseok doesn't really want to go out, but it's Amber's birthday, so it's hard to say no when she asks. "Come on, hyung, you haven't come out in forever," she whines. (Four years of friendship and he still doesn't understand why she calls him hyung.) "It'll be fun, I promise."

The truth is that he hasn't come out for anything big since Lu Han, and that's more than five months. His friends have been patient, understanding, but it's not fair to them if he keeps missing important moments, and it's probably not good for him either. Lu Han was always more fond of going out and doing things than Minseok, so with him, Minseok never sat home for long. Now, it's up to him to make sure he's not home alone all the time.

"All right," he says, forcing some false enthusiasm into his voice. "I'll be there."

Amber has a lot of friends, so there are a ton of people there when Minseok arrives at the restaurant. The birthday girl yells a greeting from the other end of the table, but then Minseok is left to find himself a place. Junmyeon waves him over, and Minseok takes a seat between him and Sehun. "You made it!" Junmyeon says with a smile. Sehun, who isn't quite so tactful, doesn't hide his surprise at seeing Minseok here.

At first, Minseok feels awkward. He's never been the type to enjoy large groups of people, and it's been so long since he came to a party like this that he feels like he's forgotten how to behave. It's been even longer since he came to a party like this alone, without Lu Han by his side to talk to and laugh with, and try as he might, he can't help thinking about that. He tells himself that he just needs to make it through an hour and then he can find an excuse to slip out and go home, where at least he can feel lonely in peace instead of in a noisy crowd.

But the company is good, with lots of entertaining conversation that Minseok can nod along to without having to talk, and Sehun keeps refilling Minseok's glass the second he empties it, until Minseok's head is spinning and everything is infinitely funnier. He laughs a lot, and by the time the big group disperses, his awkwardness is forgotten and he realizes that he did actually have fun, in the end.

He doesn't notice quite how drunk he's gotten until Junmyeon takes his elbow and says, "Why don't we head home together?"

"I'm fine," Minseok protests, but he lets Junmyeon herd him into a taxi anyway.

"Did you have a good time?" Junmyeon asks once he gives the driver Minseok's address.

"I did." The world feels unsteady, so Minseok puts his head down on Junmyeon's shoulder.

"It's nice to see you smiling again." Junmyeon's voice goes soft, and it takes Minseok a few seconds in his current state to register why.

Once he does, though, it cuts right through the drunken haze as he realizes that he forgot all about Lu Han not being there. It's not as if he has to think about Lu Han all the time, but so many things remind Minseok of him, especially when he's with their mutual friends. How could he just forget about Lu Han's absence and have such a good time like nothing was missing?

If he was more sober, he could probably reason with himself, talk himself out of feeling bad when he hasn't truly done anything wrong. Unfortunately, he's past the point of reason and so he can't stop the stab of guilt that accompanies that realization, or the worry that this is only the beginning. Is he going to think about Lu Han less and less with time, until he's hardly on his mind at all? That might be easier, less painful, but isn't that terribly selfish of him?

"Are you okay?" Junmyeon asks, even softer.

"What if I forget him?" Minseok's forehead is resting on Junmyeon's shoulder and his words are muffled, but Junmyeon hears him anyway.

"Lu Han?" he asks hesitantly.

Minseok lifts his head to nod miserably. "I forgot. I had fun and I forgot he wasn't there and what if I forget him completely?"

"What are you talking about? You could never forget him." Junmyeon sounds lost, probably none too sober himself.

"Can't I? I don't want to, but what if it happens?" It comes out pleading, and Junmyeon shakes his head vigorously.

"You won't forget him. But it's okay, you know, if you have fun and don't think about him all the time. He wouldn't want you to be sad."

"How do you know that?"

Junmyeon laughs, a laugh that's amused but also sad. "Don't tell me you've forgotten the way Lu Han always fussed over you. He'd never want you to be sad because of him or anything else."

He's right, and even drunk and a little hysterical, Minseok knows that. He sighs and drops his head back to Junmyeon's shoulder. "I miss him. But I miss him less and I don't know if that's okay."

Junmyeon startles Minseok by pulling him into a tight hug. "It's okay," he says firmly. "Whatever you feel, it's okay."

Minseok's in no condition to figure out if he agrees with that right now, but he lets himself be comforted. If nothing else, Junmyeon is right that Lu Han always hated to see him sad. He's also sure that Lu Han wouldn't want to be forgotten, but Minseok can't believe that'll really happen. He'll just have to hope that if Lu Han is watching from somewhere and he sees Minseok thinking about him less and smiling without him more, he'll understand.


* * *

Lu Han thought that as soon as he'd decided he was ready to get to heaven, he would, but it seems it doesn't work like that. He and Yixing have been walking for what feels like days and it's not as painful as it was before, but he's still tired of being in limbo, waiting without any idea of how long it'll last.

"Sorry," Yixing says when he complains, smiling sheepishly. "I don't know any more than you do about when we'll get there. I guess you're not quite ready yet."

That makes sense, but it's not what Lu Han wants to hear. "How am I supposed to be ready, then?" He sighs heavily. "What happened to you? Did you get to heaven and decide not to go in or just keep walking until you got sick of it?"

Yixing laughs at that, but Lu Han thinks there's something a little forced about it. "I got as far as the gate, but I decided I wasn't ready to go in."

"So you can get there without being ready!" Lu Han protests.

"Maybe so. I think for me, it's that I was ready to make my decision to not go in."

Lu Han can't help wondering if that's how it'll be for him. Yixing seems happy enough, so perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to become an angel, but isn't he supposed to want to go to heaven? It's heaven, after all. "Why didn't you go in?" Lu Han asks. Thinking about his own situation, he asks, "Did you have someone you loved too?"

Yixing's almost omnipresent smile turns a little wry now, but tender at the same time. "I did, but not like that. Growing up, I was very close to my grandmother. She took care of me a lot, so I always told her I'd take care of her when she got old."

"So you're waiting for your grandmother?" It's sweet, but it's not the kind of story Lu Han expected.

Yixing doesn't seem offended by his reaction. "I couldn't take care of her the way I promised, but at least when it's her turn, I can see her peacefully to heaven."

"That's it?" Lu Han asks. "You put off going to heaven just so you could guide one person there after who knows how many years?"

"I like being an angel. I can meet all kinds of interesting people and help them when they need it. I didn't entirely understand what I was getting into when I made my decision, but I don't regret it. I wasn't ready then, but when I decide to go in at last, I will be."

"You still can?"

"Of course!" Yixing says, like it's a childishly silly question. "Did you think it was now or never?" Lu Han shrugs, embarrassed, and Yixing softens. "If you're thinking about not going in, I can't tell you if that's the right choice. It was for me, but each person is different. It's your choice to make, and I think that when you're ready to make it, that's when we'll get to heaven."

So Lu Han keeps walking and keeps thinking. Maybe for Yixing, choosing to become an angel was as simple as wanting to keep his promise to his grandmother, but Lu Han doesn't know what's right for him. There's a part of him that still doesn't want to let go of his life and especially of Minseok, but is that reason enough to not go into heaven? He suspects that if Minseok were here, he'd say Lu Han was an idiot for even considering it, but if Minseok were here with him, there'd be nothing to consider.

It won't bring him back to life, and it won't let him be with Minseok again. Yixing's grandmother may not have many years left, but Minseok is still young, and Lu Han could be waiting a long time for him. For all he knows, Minseok will find someone else now that he's gone, fall in love again, and by the time he arrives in between, Lu Han will be only a fond but distant memory to him. Waiting for Minseok is not reason enough for Lu Han to stay here, no matter how much he loved (and still loves) Minseok.

But however many times he goes over the idea in his head, he doesn't feel ready to leave everything behind, not even for paradise. He's too young, his death too sudden, and there's too much he still can't let go of. Satisfied with his decision, he stops walking abruptly. Yixing stops after one more step and turns to him, and Lu Han braces himself. "I'm not ready. I don't want to go in." It feels terrifying to say that, even though he knows it's not forever, but he doesn't waver.

Yixing opens his mouth to reply, but stops because suddenly, as though they've reached the top of a hill without moving, Lu Han sees a brilliantly glowing gate in front of them. It's impossible to describe, not like the rest of the scenery in between that's so nondescript it doesn't register, but because it's too much. Too bright, too big, too imposing, and above all, too beautiful.

It makes Lu Han hesitate, because if even the entrance to heaven is this stunning, what's inside must be amazing. At the same time, there are doubts still lingering in his heart, and if he can hold onto those in full view of such beauty, then they must be there for a reason. Yixing steps closer and places a comforting hand on his shoulder. "What do you say?" he asks. "Will you go in or will you become an angel?"

Lu Han continues looking at the gate, so beautiful it makes his heart ache, and for a moment he forgets everything and thinks, I can't wait to tell Minseok about this. It's only a moment before he remembers that he won't be going home to tell Minseok anything, but it's enough for him to have his answer. He'll wait until he can find his own peace or Minseok, or maybe both.

"I'm not ready," he confirms. "I'll become an angel."


* * *

Even after ten months technically single, dating is the last thing on Minseok's mind, so he's startled when he gets asked out (albeit indirectly). Heeyeon is a friend of Jongdae's girlfriend and he's met her a few times, enough to know that she's friendly and pretty but not to form an opinion of her beyond that, and he didn't realize she was interested in him.

"She said she wasn't sure if you were into girls at all," Jongdae tells him on the phone. "I told her you were and then she said she didn't want to put you on the spot if you weren't ready to start dating again yet. I think she was just too shy to ask you herself."

"Uh-huh," Minseok says neutrally while he tries to sort out his feelings on the subject.

"If you don't want to, no pressure," Jongdae assures him. "She understands and there'll be no hard feelings if you say no for now or no forever, or if you say yes and it doesn't work out."

"Okay." Minseok still doesn't know what to think. The last time he went on a date with someone new was more than six years ago, and he was already friends with Lu Han before that. On top of that, he hasn't gone out with a woman since he was twenty, and while he does like them sometimes, it's different, isn't it? All that together means that going out with someone is intimidating, never mind that he's not at all sure he's ready to start dating again.

When he takes too long to say anything else, Jongdae continues, "It's your choice, of course, but I think you should consider it. You're too young to be single for the rest of your life, and this could be a good low pressure way to dip your toes back in the dating pool. What's the harm?"

In the end, Minseok warily agrees, and that's how he finds himself getting ready for a date the next Friday night. He stares at himself in the mirror, feeling strange. It's been a long time since he felt the need to dress to impress, a lot longer than Lu Han's been gone considering that he never had to try hard to impress Lu Han. He shoves that thought aside before it can make him sad; now is not the time to think about Lu Han.

He picks up Heeyeon at her apartment and they go to a nice pizza place. She looks beautiful, like a princess, but she talks loudly and laughs easily and when their food comes, she doesn't hesitate to dig in. Minseok is glad; he's not polished enough himself to date anyone princess-like. He finds himself gradually relaxing and enjoying himself more than he expected to.

He says goodbye to Heeyeon with a hug and a noncommittal comment about hanging out again some time and goes home. In the quiet of his apartment, it starts to sink in what tonight meant. He doesn't know if there will be a second date with Heeyeon, but it's a step, however small, toward moving on with his life. Moving on is supposed to be a good thing, but it means accepting that Lu Han is dead but Minseok is not, and that he just might fall in love with someone else someday.

Minseok has been moving forward—he has a new home, and he's been living his life and letting himself have fun—but this is different. Finding someone else will feel like really letting go of Lu Han completely, leaving him behind. Taken to the extreme, it'll feel like replacing the person Minseok thought was the love of his life with a different one. Can he do that now? Will he ever be able to?

He looks over at the picture of him and Lu Han sitting on the bookshelf. It's from Changmin's wedding and they're both dressed in their best, but they're laughing hard. Minseok doesn't remember anymore what they were laughing at, but he remembers clinging to Lu Han's shoulders and feeling them shake with mirth, and he remembers Lu Han looking back with a huge smile on his face to share the moment with him. He also remembers coming home that night, and the way Lu Han's smile turned a little wistful as he asked, "Have you ever thought about getting married?"

"Is that an offer?" Minseok asked, only half joking.

Lu Han turned an impressive shade of red that made Minseok laugh and throw an arm around him. He expected Lu Han to laugh it off, or just stammer uselessly, but he didn't. Instead, gruff but resolute, he said, "I would, you know. Marry you. I mean, it doesn't matter—the ceremony or the rest of it—but it's...a commitment, you know? I would do that. With you. Because I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

Coming from Lu Han, it was an impressive speech, and unexpected, leaving Minseok unprepared to deal with the rush of emotion it gave him. He tried to find the words to respond but couldn't, so he only pulled Lu Han into his arms and hugged him tightly. They stayed like that for a while before Minseok managed to say, "Me too." He knew he should say more, but the words didn't come, so he repeated, "Me too."

There's no picture of that moment for Minseok to look at, but he remembers it with perfect clarity, down to the knot of Lu Han's tie pressed against his shoulder and the tightness in his throat from feeling more than he knew what to do with. He remembers realizing just how deeply in love he was and how without even thinking about it, he'd shaped his plans and dreams for the future around having Lu Han in it.

That's why it feels like asking far too much for him to let go of Lu Han less than a year later, and to open himself to the possibility of tying his future to someone else. Minseok can let himself laugh again, let himself not think about Lu Han all the time, but he doesn't know if he can let himself fall in love again. He never would have thought himself the type to spend the rest of his life pining for someone who was gone, but he also never would have thought himself the type to fall as hard as he did for Lu Han. Maybe Lu Han changed him more than he realized, and he's no longer the type he was before.

He hasn't found any resolution to his whirling thoughts when Jongdae texts him two hours later to ask how the date went. It seems like such a trivial question in light of everything on his mind that he stares at his phone for a long moment, searching for a way to respond. At last, he decides for simple, straightforward honesty and writes, I'm not ready.


* * *

The first soul Lu Han guides to heaven gives his name as Zhou Mi and that's all he remembers. "Does that happen to everyone?" he asks Lu Han. "Forgetting everything?"

"I think so," Lu Han says, realizing he doesn't know anything beyond his own experience and what Yixing told him. "This is my first time guiding someone," he admits. "But it happened to me too, and I remembered before I got to heaven."

Zhou Mi raises an eyebrow at his answer. "They don't give you any training before sending you out like this?

Lu Han shakes his head. "I've been through it myself, and that's enough."

He can't really blame Zhou Mi for being skeptical, but there doesn't seem to be much to guiding a soul to heaven. They walk and walk and eventually arrive at the gate. It would be good if Lu Han could help people cope with their deaths the way Yixing did for him, but ultimately, it's up to them to be ready to go into heaven (or not). He's mostly there to keep them company while they figure things out.

It's a strange feeling, being on the other side of the process, watching Zhou Mi slowly regain his memories and cope with what he finds in them. He was older than Lu Han when he died, but still younger than most people expect it to happen, only forty-five. He was married, it turns out, with two daughters he won't get to see grow to adulthood. He bears the pain of remembering that grimly, but Lu Han can see that it's hard for him.

"I'm sorry," Lu Han tells him, because that's all he can say.

Zhou Mi stands up straighter and shakes his head. "We all have our time to go. If this is mine, then so be it. I'll watch over my girls from heaven and wait patiently until I can see them again."

With Zhou Mi so determined, it's not much longer before they arrive at the gate, and he walks in with a smile on his face. Once he's gone, Lu Han seeks out Yixing. "It doesn't seem right," he says, sitting down beside him. "Leaving young children behind must be horrible, but he was so sure about moving on. Why can't I do that?"

Yixing's smile is gentle. "We're all different, and it's not only about who we left behind. It's about who we are, and what's right for us. There's no use in comparing. Are you regretting becoming an angel?"

Lu Han stops and thinks about it. He saw the gate to heaven for the second time today, but he felt no more ready to go in than he did before. He's afraid he never will be, but he doesn't want to let that fear make his choice for him. He'll have to wait and hope that the day will come when he is, and enjoy being an angel in the meantime. He's only just started with that, but he doesn't regret it yet.

"I guess this is right for me," he tells Yixing, "at least for now."

Yixing beams at him, dimples showing. "Good. I'm going to like having you around."

Lu Han smiles back and resolves to enjoy himself where he is now, whatever the future may bring.


* * *

Minseok has, in all honesty, been doing well recently. He's still not dating, but he has a decent social life otherwise, and he's doing fine at work. Sometimes he thinks about Lu Han but it doesn't hurt, and sometimes he doesn't think about Lu Han and he's okay with that. Other times, he thinks about Lu Han and it does hurt, but less often, and he's gotten better at dealing with it. His life is far from perfect, especially compared to what it was a year ago, but he's really okay.

But as the time remaining before the anniversary of Lu Han's death dwindles to weeks and then days, Minseok starts to feel less okay. The anniversary is only a day and it won't change anything, but it drives home how long he's been living without Lu Han. They were together for almost six years and friends for two more. That sounds like a long time, but with how quickly this year has passed, it feels like it won't be long before Lu Han has been gone for longer than they were together, and then longer than they even knew each other.

Minseok doesn't realize that he's withdrawing into himself, but he is, brushing off invitations from his friends and then not even checking his phone during the last few days. It's not intentional, but he's just trying to hold on, to keep moving forward even though it hurts. It's asking too much for him to keep up a pretense of being fine when he isn't.

The night before the anniversary, Minseok tries to sleep, but he tosses and turns for hours before he finally drifts off, only to be hit with nightmares. He dreams about sitting next to Lu Han's bedside in the hospital, crying and pleading with him to live. He dreams about Lu Han's parents, but instead of being kind to him like they were that morning, they're angry, yelling at him in Chinese like it's his fault Lu Han is sick. He dreams about Lu Han, a gray shadow of his former self, digging fingernails into his shoulders and demanding, "How could you?"

It's a relief to wake up, even with his eyes wet with tears and the clock informing him that it's three in the morning on the first anniversary of the day Lu Han died. Minseok lies in bed, breathing hard and blinking the tears from his eyes as he tries to remember that while reality is harsh, it wasn't as bad as his dreams. It's not true that Lu Han's parents were angry at him and he doesn't see why Lu Han would be, but he still whispers, "I'm sorry" to the darkness, and then, "I miss you."

He doesn't get any more sleep that night, calling into work as soon as the sun comes up and spending the day at home under a cloud of melancholy. He turns off his phone, so he's startled when the doorbell rings in the evening. It's tempting to just ignore it, but his friends and family know where the spare key is, so they'll probably come in even if he doesn't open the door. Besides, he's spent too much of the day alone with his thoughts already.

He opens the door to Sehun and Amber, with others behind them. Sehun's frown transforms into an expression of relief at the sight of him, and Amber smiles. "Hey there. Mind if we come in?" She waits for him to answer, which she normally wouldn't, but the second he nods, everyone piles in.

Junmyeon's at the back, and he stops to ask, "Is this okay? We thought you could use the company, but we don't want to bother you."

Minseok nods again, swallowing down the lump in his throat that he's not sure if he should blame on his sadness over Lu Han or being touched that he has such good friends. Junmyeon smiles and closes the door behind himself, ushering Minseok back to the couch.

It's a noisy night and everyone sticks a little too close to Minseok or tries a little too hard to make him laugh, but it's comforting all the same, being reminded that he's not alone in this or anything else. They talk about anything but Lu Han for the first few hours, but then Baekhyun and Jongdae bicker over the last piece of the pizza they ordered until Sehun interrupts to ask, "Do you remember the time Lu Han-hyung agreed to arm wrestle for the last chicken wing?"

Lu Han had been part of their friend group for less than six months then and he didn't know what he was getting into. He managed to beat everyone until he got to Minseok, who innocently took his hand and smiled before he smacked it into the table. Lu Han's jaw dropped and they all laughed so hard at his shock. Lu Han joked once that that was the moment he fell for Minseok. Minseok didn't believe him, because he said the same thing about other moments, but the thought still makes him smile. It feels good, being able to think about Lu Han and smile even at a time like this.

His friends must think the same, because they carry on telling silly stories about Lu Han and laughing, occasionally glancing over to make sure that Minseok doesn't seem bothered. In time, they turn more serious, talking about moments when they admired Lu Han, or when he helped them, supported them. There are more glances at Minseok now, and they're not unwarranted because it hurts to remember the good, caring person that Lu Han was, but then, Minseok is happy to be reminded that it wasn't just him who loved Lu Han, and who misses him now.

Lu Han loved freely and was loved in return. He was a good person, a good friend who made a difference not just in Minseok's life but in the lives of many people around him. Even when he's been gone for six, eight, twenty years, he won't be forgotten. That doesn't make up for his loss, but it's a comfort all the same. Here, surrounded by people who loved Lu Han too, Minseok thinks he can hold onto that and be okay again.

That night, when he turns off the light, Minseok whispers, "I miss you" to the darkness again, but he doesn't apologize this time. Instead, he says, "I love you," and when he closes his eyes, he dreams that Lu Han is still out there somewhere to hear it.


* * *

Visiting people from their human lives isn't expressly forbidden, Lu Han finds out after he's been an angel for a while, but it is frowned upon. "It's a bad idea," Yixing tells him when he asks about it. "Either it hurts to see them be sad and not be able to do anything or it hurts to see them happy and realize that they're moving on without you."

Lu Han tries to resist the temptation, because he's found that Yixing is right about a lot of things, but now that he knows the option is available, he can't not do it. He goes to see Minseok only once, on the first anniversary of his death, telling himself that he just wants to see that Minseok is okay. Once he knows that, he can leave Minseok to live his life and continue with his own, if you can all it that.

He doesn't know what to expect, but he finds Minseok's apartment (a smaller one, not the one they shared) packed full of people. Minseok is sitting on the couch sandwiched between Jongdae and Amber, with Sehun in front of him, slouching so he can rest his head on Minseok's thigh. They're not looking at him, but there's something protective about the way they're gathered around him, like they want to make sure he knows he's not alone.

Baekhyun, in typical Baekhyun fashion, is telling some story about a childhood prank. He's talking too loudly and laughing too much at his own words the way he does when he's trying to dispel a bad atmosphere, and Lu Han smiles at the familiar sight. Everyone is laughing except Minseok, but he is smiling, small but steady.

Lu Han watches for a few minutes, half listening to Baekhyun talk, and he thinks that Yixing is right. It hurts to see Minseok smiling without him, and it also hurts to read lingering sadness in his drooping shoulders and the smile that doesn't grow any bigger no matter how hard Baekhyun tries. It hurts to see Minseok with all their friends and not be part of it, and it hurts to know that the reason they're here in Minseok's apartment is because of him, because he died and left Minseok behind.

Against his better judgment, Lu Han moves closer, until he's right next to Sehun in front of the couch. Up close, he can see shadows under Minseok's eyes, see that he's thinner than he was a year ago. At the same time, he can see the sparkle of life in Minseok's eyes, the way he leans into Jongdae's side and absently plays with Sehun's hair. He may be hurting, but he's alive, and moving forward without Lu Han.

"I'm okay, so be happy," Lu Han wants to say, but he also wants to say, "Don't forget me so easily." He just wants to say something and have Minseok hear it, because he never even got to say goodbye. He knows that's not the way it works, but he can't help wishing for the impossible.

He stands up and runs a hand down Minseok's cheek, lingering. He thinks maybe Minseok moves into the touch just a little, like he feels something even if he doesn't know what it is, but it's probably wishful thinking. "I love you," he says to no one, really, and then he leaves, his goodbye unspoken.

"Was it worth it?" Yixing asks him when he gets back. "Seeing him again."

Lu Han considers for a long moment, his heart too full of feelings for him to know how to answer. "I don't know," he says in the end, "but I won't go again." All he can do now is leave Minseok to his life and go back to waiting, and trust that whatever happens, he'll see Minseok again someday.







Part 2


Lu Han thinks nothing of it when he gets the call to guide a new soul, a sort of subconscious pull that tells him where to go and when. The way time passes here, it's hard to say how long he's been doing this, but he's sure years have passed as he's guided a great many souls to heaven. Each soul is different, but to him, the process is the same, the walk so familiar that he scarcely thinks about the surroundings that were once so strange to him.

He arrives there just in time, and he's about to say a greeting when he actually looks at the soul he's supposed to guide and his words die in his throat at the sight of a painfully familiar face. Despite his baby face, Minseok is noticeably older, fine lines around his eyes and mouth and a tiny sprinkling of gray in his hair, but Lu Han would know him anywhere. He's been at this for a long time now, his human life long since left behind, but he hasn't forgotten Minseok or how very much he loved him.

One would think that after all this time, those feelings would have faded somewhat, even though Minseok is a big part of the reason he's here instead of in heaven. Lu Han has met a lot of human souls and made friends among the angels living in between, and he's changed since he died. But seeing Minseok again now, regardless of the time that's passed, regardless of him being an angel and Minseok being older and dead, Lu Han feels like his love for Minseok hasn't changed at all, his heart swelling with the reminder of it.

But Minseok is only a human soul, freshly dead and ready to go to heaven, and the confusion in his eyes when he looks at Lu Han has nothing to do with surprised recognition. "Where am I?" Before Lu Han can answer, he adds, "Am I dead?"

"Yes." Lu Han's voice sounds small, and he's not sure if it really is or if it's only that everything seems distant and strange right now. He's been waiting so long for this that now that it's happened, it feels unreal. "I'll take you to heaven soon, but right now, you're in between."

"In between what?" Minseok asks.

"That's just what we call it," Lu Han explains mechanically. "In between Earth and heaven."

"Oh." Minseok still sounds dazed, but he's starting to settle, to process what's happened to him. "And who are you?"

Lu Han's been asked that by many souls before, and this is the first time it's ever hurt. "I'm an angel," he says. Normally, he'd give his name, but there's part of him that's hoping Minseok will know it without being told.

"An angel?" Minseok looks him up and down and then smiles wryly. "You do look the part." Then, "I'm...Minseok. Kim Minseok." He frowns. "Why can't I remember anything else?"

"I don't know why, but that's how it is. You'll remember while we walk." This, too, is a normal conversation, but now Lu Han thinks about what that means. Will Minseok remember him? He should, but what will happen when he does? Lu Han's no longer new to being an angel, but this situation is different from anything he's faced before. He's never guided someone he knew before. Is he supposed to pretend not to know Minseok until he remembers? Should he tell him everything once he starts to?

Minseok is still frowning, but he nods slowly. "I think...I don't feel surprised that I'm dead. Does that mean anything? Maybe I was sick." He shrugs. "I guess I'll remember soon enough." Even without his memories, Minseok is very much himself, taking life (and now death) in stride the way Lu Han remembers. "Does it take long to get to heaven?"

"It takes a different amount of time for every soul, but it'll be as long as you need."

"Are all angels this cryptic?" Minseok asks dryly. He doesn't wait for an answer. "Do you have a name?"

"You can call me Lu," Lu Han answers without letting himself think too hard about why he leaves it at that.

"Nice to meet you, Lu."

It sounds so wrong coming from Minseok, but Lu Han tries not to let it show that it bothers him. He bobs his head in greeting, then says, "And I'm not being cryptic. That's just how things work here."

Minseok looks skeptical, but then he shrugs again. "All right, then. Lead the way, Lu."

For one long moment, Lu Han stares at him, letting it sink in that Minseok is here, in between and on his way to heaven. When he chose to become an angel, he thought this was the moment he was waiting for, when Minseok would appear and after an immediate happy reunion, Lu Han would be ready to go into heaven with him. The reality of it feels more complicated, and that's hard to take.

He stares for too long and Minseok gives him a funny look. "Is something wrong?"

Lu Han quickly shakes his head. "It's nothing. Let's go." Turning away, he starts to lead Minseok toward heaven.


* * *

Minseok walks in silence a step behind Lu. For a while, he tries to look around, but he quickly realizes that there's nothing to see here, or at least nothing that his mind can hold on to. That's weird, but considering that he's in the afterlife being led around by an angel, he should probably expect some weirdness. Once he figures out that there's no point in looking at the scenery, he watches Lu instead, trying not to be too obvious about it.

The angel looks like an ordinary, if attractive, guy, casually dressed in a t-shirt and cargo shorts, with his medium-length dark brown hair unstyled. He does look cute and innocent, so in that way Minseok supposes he looks angelic, but he's not glowing and he doesn't have wings or any other indication that he's more than human. Minseok has no reason to doubt him, but it's hard to believe he's really what he says he is when he looks so normal.

He's startled out of his thoughts when Lu suddenly asks, "Do you remember anything else yet?"

Setting aside his observation of his traveling companion, Minseok considers his memories. He knows his name and where he's from, but still not much else. He has a vague recollection of a house and two people older than him, maybe his parents, but it's fuzzy, like the memory of a dream that will slip through his fingers if he tries any harder to grasp at it. "Not really," he answers.

Lu frowns like he's disappointed, and Minseok wonders why he cares. Does he get some kind of angel brownie points if Minseok remembers quickly? Before he can ask, Lu says, "Well, it'll happen eventually. Let's keep going."

"How does it work?" Minseok asks as they start to walk again. "Should I remember the end of my life first and go backwards or start with childhood memories?"

"It's different for everyone," Lu tells him without turning around. "Sometimes it's chronological, or sometimes people remember important things first, or sometimes it seems completely random. For me, it didn't follow any pattern as far as I could tell."

"For you?" Minseok asks, surprised.

He can just make out the corner of a smile on Lu's face. "Yes, for me. I was in your place once."

"You mean you were human too?" That explains Lu's ordinary appearance but raises all kinds of other questions.

"That's right. I was a normal human too, and then I died and became an angel, and now I guide humans like you."

"Will I become an angel too?" Minseok doesn't remember if he ever gave much thought to what comes after death, but he doesn't think that's what he would have expected of it.

Lu seems startled by the question for some reason. "Maybe. Most people don't."

"Then what makes you special?" Minseok asks, aiming for a teasing tone to lighten the atmosphere.

"I'm not special." Lu sounds torn between being amused and...Minseok's not sure what, but maybe a little sad. "I just wasn't ready to go into heaven before. That's all it takes to become an angel, deciding not to go in."

"Why the hell would you decide not to go into heaven?" It's hard to imagine anyone choosing to give up paradise.

"I just...did, that's all." Lu sounds flustered, and Minseok feels awkward. "Anyway, it's not forever. I can decide to go in when I want to."

"Oh, that's—" Minseok breaks off, distracted by a memory materializing in his mind out of nowhere. "I remember something!"

"Oh?" Lu seems wary for some reason, but Minseok is too pleased at finally having remembered something concrete to think about that.

"I remember a baby," he explains. "My little sister. I must have been really young, but I remember that she cried a lot and my mom told me I should be a good big brother and always take care of her." He frowns as the implications sink in; does that mean that his sister out there is mourning his death? He can't remember anything after that, if he and his sister were close, if they'd lost contact or if she died before him.

Lu, on the other hand, is smiling, just a little. He belatedly notices that Minseok is looking at him, and his expression shifts into something more neutral. "That's a good start," he says gruffly. "Maybe you'll start with your earliest memories and move forward."

"So I won't remember how I died until the very end?" That may be just as well, but he's too curious to wait. It doesn't really make a difference if he knows what happened to him, but it feels important anyway.

"Don't be in such a hurry to remember that," Lu counsels. "Death isn't usually a nice memory." That sounds depressing, but then he smiles, seemingly genuine. "So, you had a sister?"

Minseok lets himself be distracted, smiling back. "I guess so." He considers his memories and finds that a few more of him with his sister have trickled back in. Lu seems interested, so he searches for a good story to tell as they start to walk again. "I remember when she was maybe two years old..."


* * *

It's so jarring, talking to Minseok after all this time. Not bad, but strange, because Minseok is part of Lu Han's human life, a far-off but unfaded memory, and yet here he is, in between and talking to Lu Han like nothing has changed.

Well, not exactly like nothing has changed, because Minseok is talking casually to him, but like Lu Han is a near stranger, not a close friend and definitely not a lover. That's jarring too, in a different way, and Lu Han wonders if it'll change once Minseok remembers him. Of course he'll remember what they were to each other, but what about what came after that? Lu Han doesn't know if Minseok held on to his memory or let him go, or if Minseok fell in love again. For all he knows, Minseok was angry with Lu Han for leaving him behind so suddenly, as irrational as that might be, and he won't be happy to see him again.

With all that on his mind, it's hard to focus on what Minseok is saying as he recounts his slowly returning memories. He was saying something about being so scared before his first day of school that he pleaded with his mother not to make him go, but Lu Han has lost track of the story, caught up in his own thoughts.

At the same time, he may not be listening to every word Minseok says, but it's hard to focus on anything but Minseok. Lu Han always did get caught up in Minseok's existence, no matter what he was doing or saying, and it seems that neither death nor the years since he last saw Minseok have changed that.

He attempts to listen, anyway, and watches Minseok and nods like he's paying attention until he's startled by a sudden question. "W-what?" he stammers.

He's relieved when Minseok laughs, apparently not insulted. "Were you listening at all? Sorry, I guess I was rambling."

"No, I'm sorry," Lu Han hastily apologizes, trying not to get distracted again by how much he likes Minseok's smile, especially when it's directed at him. "I just spaced out. What did you say?"

Minseok is still smiling, and oh, yes, Lu Han missed that very much. "I asked if you have any brothers or sisters."

They've stopped walking again, so Lu Han can turn his full attention on Minseok. "I don't. In China, when I was born, people were only allowed to have one child."

"Oh, you're Chinese?"

Lu Han bites back a laugh, remembering Minseok asking him exactly that soon after they first met. "I am."

"But aren't you speaking Korean? Or is that a heaven thing, that I can understand you? Or whatever you call this place, in between."

This time Lu Han does laugh. "I'm speaking Korean. I lived in Korea for a long time."

That intrigues Minseok, and Lu Han cautiously answers his questions about where and why and for how long. "What made you stick around all those years?" he asks.

"I, um..." Lu Han hesitates, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to keep the truth from Minseok. He'll remember sooner or later, and until he does, he won't have any reason to connect what Lu Han tells him to his own experiences. (And would it really be so bad if he just told Minseok everything? But he wants Minseok to remember him on his own, not be pushed into it.) "I thought I would go back to China eventually," he says, "but then I fell in love."

"That would do it. Did you like living in Korea?"

"I did," Lu Han answers without hesitation. His life there wasn't perfect, but it was good. "I was very happy."

There's nothing really personal in Minseok's answering smile, but it's warm and it makes Lu Han feel good. He wants more, wants Minseok to smile at his own memories of both of them rather than Lu Han's, but this is something. After so many years without Minseok, he can be satisfied with this for a little while.


* * *

Now that they've started talking more, it's actually pleasant, walking through this nowhere place with Lu. Minseok's not normally the most talkative guy (he knows that even without having any memories to back it up), but somehow Lu is easy to talk to. Sure, he spaces out on a regular basis and doesn't hear what Minseok's saying, but he seems fascinated by Minseok anyway. It makes Minseok wonder if all angels are like this or if they're as different as the humans they once were.

The memories Minseok has regained so far are mostly nice, fun times with his sister and early school experiences, some scary at the time, but with the perspective of an adult, nothing serious. He's sure there must be worse things for him to remember, because who doesn't have bad experiences, but for now, he's enjoying what he has and not worrying about the rest. It'll come back to him in time.

Then something new hits him and he breaks off in the middle of telling Lu about playing on the soccer team in elementary school. This memory is not a nice one; he remembers sadness, and tears burning in his eyes. "What's wrong?" Lu asks.

"I was at a funeral, I think," Minseok says, closing his eyes as he reaches for the details. "I felt like crying but I was trying not to, because...oh, because it was my grandfather's funeral, and he'd always been so strong that I thought I should be like him and not cry."

"Oh." Minseok opens his eyes at the tone of Lu's voice. He sounds almost hurt, which makes no sense. He's about to ask why when Lu hastily asks, "Were you young?"

"Twelve or so? No, wait, I was already in junior high. I was fourteen." He frowns as he thinks about that. "I guess that means I'm not remembering in chronological order? There's still a lot I don't remember before that."

"No, I guess not. Like I told you, sometimes it's just random." Lu sounds normal again, but Minseok still catches a hint of sad puppy in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you knew my grandpa," he says.

"What? Why would I?" Lu asks.

"I don't know. You looked sad when I mentioned it." Minseok studies Lu's expression, but he can't read anything in particular there anymore.

Lu shakes his head emphatically. "It just brought back memories for me too. That's all."

"That must happen a lot, huh?" Minseok asks. "Humans have so many common experiences."

"It does," Lu agrees. "But this is about you, so don't let me interfere. Do you remember anything else about the funeral or your grandfather?"

He does, more details of the funeral that it hurts to remember, but also happy moments with his grandfather before his death. It's strange, having these oases of memories while other parts are completely blank, but that seems to be what he's going to get for now. It's also strange looking at his life like this, moments of happiness and pride and moments of sadness and pain. "Life is a funny thing, isn't it?" he says.

Lu doesn't ask what he means, only nods. "It really is."


* * *

The good thing about the revelation that Minseok isn't remembering his life in chronological order is that he could remember Lu Han at any time without having to wait. The bad thing is that Lu Han can't predict it and prepare himself accordingly. It leaves him on edge, excited but also wary. He can't be sure how the memory will come out or how Minseok will react to it, or what other things Minseok will remember about his life after Lu Han. He also doesn't know what experiences Minseok had that could have changed his feelings about Lu Han after his death. Still, there's nothing he can do but wait, and enjoy Minseok's company in the meantime.

And he does enjoy talking to Minseok, despite his nerves. Minseok seems to be becoming more and more animated as he remembers more about his life, like each piece of himself that comes back gives him a little more color. It's like that with every soul, probably, but Lu Han notices it more with Minseok because with each passing moment, he becomes more and more like the Minseok Lu Han remembers.

"I don't know why this is important," he tells Lu Han as another memory returns, "or if it even is, but I remember going to a concert. I'm not sure whose, but some kind of kpop? Anyway, I was so excited because it was the first time my parents let me go to a concert. I was usually pretty quiet back then, but I just went crazy and cheered and danced and everything." He laughs happily. "That was fun."

"Concerts are great." Lu Han isn't thinking of that concert, or of the first one he went to himself, but of one he went to with Minseok. It was only a few months after they started dating, but they'd already been friends long enough that Lu Han didn't hesitate to throw himself into his enjoyment of the concert, screaming and singing along. Minseok laughed at him, but he was just as enthusiastic. He smiles to himself at the memory.

"What are you thinking about?" Minseok asks. Off Lu Han's surprised look, he explains, "You were smiling like you were remembering something too."

"I was thinking about a concert I went to," Lu Han tells him. "With my boyfriend."

Minseok takes the last part in stride. (And why wouldn't he? Even if he doesn't remember having a boyfriend himself, there's a certain self-awareness about things like that that souls seem to have independent of memories.) "That sounds like fun. Did you drag him there or vice versa?"

"Neither. We were both big fans."

Minseok smiles widely. "That sounds like fun, being able to share that excitement with someone."

"It was," Lu Han agrees, but his focus is elsewhere, wondering if this will be the trigger to get Minseok to remember him or if it's just a false alarm. What will it take? Will it make any difference at all what Lu Han says to him?

But Minseok only keeps smiling and turns away. "I wonder if I had anyone like that," he says thoughtfully. "A boyfriend, I mean, or a girlfriend. Odds are I did at some point, but I don't remember anyone yet." He sighs wistfully. "I guess it would be better if I wasn't with anyone when I died, wouldn't it? I'd hate to think I left someone like that behind."

"Yes." Against his better judgment, Lu Han adds, "It's hard."

Minseok turns to look at him, but whatever he sees in Lu Han's expression makes him think better of asking for more information. He only nods before saying instead, "So tell me more about this concert you went to. Who was it?"

So it's not the time yet, Lu Han thinks, but maybe it's just as well. He's happy to smile at Minseok again and leave the difficult things for later.


* * *

Maybe it's because of the happy memory of the concert or maybe it's because he's been talking about music and other fun things with Lu after that, but Minseok lets his guard down, and he's not prepared for the next memory that comes to him. The emotion hits him before the memory is fully formed, a wave of intense grief that that seems to come out of nowhere, and he stumbles and crashes right into Lu.

"What's wrong?" the angel asks, grabbing Minseok's arms to steady him, but quickly dropping them once he's found his feet.

"I..." Minseok bites his lip, fighting back the urge to cry as he tries to understand the images in his mind. "I don't know. I remember being in a kitchen and I felt so sad, but I don't remember why. There was...a shopping list?" That sounds ridiculous, but that's what he remembers. "I cried over a shopping list. My friend found me and he kind of freaked out, but he sat with me and kept me company."

` Lu's eyes go wide, but then he gives a little shake of his head and his expression turns more neutral before he asks, "You don't know why a shopping list made you cry?"

Minseok tries to reach for the explanation that must be somewhere in his mind, but he can't find it. "I don't remember. I just know that I cried really hard." It's frustrating not being able to remember more than that, even with the memory right there. Surely he should remember something that would make him cry so much more easily. "If I ask why I can't remember, are you going to tell me that that's just the way it goes?"

Lu's answering smile is wry but small. "Unfortunately. I—" He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "After I died, I could remember that I was living with someone and I could remember bits and pieces about him and moments we were together, but it took me the longest time to actually remember him, even though he was so important to me. There's no explaining it."

Minseok sighs and swipes a hand over his eyes. The memory of crying is so strong that he's surprised to find them dry. "I guess it makes sense to not remember all at once because it'd be overwhelming, but I just want to get it over with. I don't like not knowing."

Lu nods sympathetically and doesn't say anything else, so Minseok takes another look at the memory. He still doesn't remember why the shopping list made him cry, but there are other details filled in. "Baekhyun," he says, the name feeling familiar in his mouth. Lu looks briefly startled, but it disappears when Minseok continues, "That was my friend who was there. He was always the worst at comforting people, unless something could be laughed off."

That gets a smile from Lu. "He must have been so shocked to find you crying."

"He was," Minseok agrees. "I don't remember most of them well, but I think...I had good friends. Whatever it was that I was dealing with, I had good friends helping me through it." Focusing on that makes him feel a little better, a little more steady.

"I'm glad," Lu says. He's not touching Minseok now, but he's still standing close, and he tentatively reaches out a hand to rest on Minseok's shoulder. Lu may not quite be a friend yet, but it's comforting to know that now, too, he's not alone in dealing with what life and death have to throw at him.


* * *

Minseok has gone quiet again, and Lu Han can't really blame him, after the last thing he remembered. Lu Han's got a lot on his mind too; he doesn't know for sure, but he strongly suspects that he was the reason Minseok was crying over a shopping list, and it hurts to think about that. It may be long past, but it's making Minseok sad again now, and Lu Han doesn't like that. It's not really his fault, but he feels responsible anyway.

It's also clearly bothering Minseok that he doesn't remember everything, and Lu Han is torn between telling him what he knows or waiting it out. It won't make it any better to tell him more, will it? He'll still be sad, and he'll probably only be more frustrated at not remembering Lu Han. Besides, Lu Han doesn't know what happened after he died.

There doesn't really seem to be a good option, so Lu Han waits and walks, darting occasional glances over at Minseok to see how he's doing. He's still lost in thought, but at the fourth or fifth glance, he notices and flashes Lu Han a reassuring smile. It's a smile Lu Han remembers seeing many times, and he can't help smiling back in spite of everything.

He's relieved when Minseok finally breaks the silence. "Sorry. I'm being boring."

Lu Han shakes his head. "It's okay. You don't have to entertain me."

"I remember more now, about my friends, but I still don't know why a shopping list made me cry." He laughs a little, and Lu Han has to admit it is kind of funny when he puts it like that. "I'm ready to remember something else now. Something happy this time, please." He looks up like he's appealing to whatever power might be responsible for the way his memories are returning. (Despite being an angel, Lu Han doesn't know anything about that.)

If there is some higher power controlling Minseok's memories, it's not listening, because nothing comes for a while. At last, Minseok says, "Oh! There's something. I was in a hospital..." Lu Han tenses, wondering again if this is it, but then Minseok smiles and he knows the memory isn't about him. "I was waiting for a baby to be born."

Now Lu Han tenses for a different reason. Could Minseok have had a child? It wouldn't be so surprising, considering how happy Lu Han remembers him being about becoming an uncle, but that would mean that there was someone else in his life, a woman.

That train of thought ends abruptly when Minseok continues, "I was with Jongdae. My friend. His wife didn't want him in the room during the birth so he was pacing back and forth and back and forth in the hallway." His smile widens, eyes sparkling, and Lu Han almost gets lost in them. "He was so happy when his son was born, smiling so big his eyes crinkled up and disappeared and it looked like his face might break."

Lu Han can picture exactly the smile Minseok is talking about, and he smiles to himself at the thought. He has no doubt that Jongdae must have been (and still is, he hopes) a wonderful husband and father.

"Did you have kids?" Minseok asks, then catches himself. "Oh, wait, you said you had a boyfriend, so..."

"I didn't," Lu Han tells him.

"Me neither." Minseok frowns as he thinks about what he said. "I don't think so, anyway. But...I did have nephews. Two. My sister's kids." He smiles again, so happy at the thought, and especially after seeing him upset earlier, Lu Han is glad of it. "They're good kids. I'll miss them." His smile falters as he considers that, probably realizing that those kids are going to grow up without him now.

Lu Han doesn't want to see him sad again, so he hastily says, "You'll see them again someday, I'm sure."

Minseok's smile steadies and he nods. "You're right," he agrees. "But hopefully not for a good long time."


* * *

Minseok's memories seem to be returning faster now. He remembers large chunks of his childhood, and what he doesn't remember clearly or at all he suspects is because he was too young or it was too long ago, not because those memories haven't come back yet. It's nice to have that, to remember more of how he became the person he's known that he is since he arrived in between. It's nice to have those good memories too, because his childhood wasn't perfect, but it was happy overall.

He's stopped telling Lu about every memory because there's too much, but he keeps talking about the big ones, partly because it makes it feel more real to say it out loud and partly just because Lu seems so interested. He doesn't know why, when Lu has probably guided countless people as they regain their memories, but it's a nice feeling, having the angel's attention on him. Minseok's not accustomed to people being so interested in what he has to say.

Minseok's still impatient to fill in some of the major gaps in his memory, but now that he's remembering more quickly, he feels confident that it'll happen soon and he can turn his attention to other things while he waits. "Do you like being an angel?" he asks Lu.

"I do," Lu answers with a smile. "I get to meet a lot of interesting people when I guide them, and the other angels are good company."

"Yeah? Do you guys hang out when you're not guiding humans? Do you have some kind of angel lounge?" Minseok pictures a group of people who all look strangely like Lu sprawled out around a big living room, talking like old friends.

Lu laughs. "Not really a lounge, but we can find each other easily enough. Some of us like to spend time together and others prefer to be alone. There's one newer guy, Kyungsoo, and...he's kind of like you, actually. He likes company, but it has to be the right people, and he has to be in the right mood for it. He likes me, usually, but he gets annoyed with other people sometimes."

That does sound like Minseok, but it's strange that Lu knows that about him. Has he revealed so much in the short time they've known each other? "I wonder why someone like that would want to be an angel," he comments.

"I asked, but he wouldn't tell me why," Lu says, a cute little pout on his face.

"So just like you when I asked?" Minseok teases.

Lu winces in response, and Minseok laughs. "It's not that I don't want to tell you," Lu says. "It's just hard to explain." Before Minseok can ask about that, he adds, "My friend Yixing became an angel so he can be the one to guide his grandmother to heaven when she dies."

"Now that sounds angelic," Minseok says dryly.

Lu laughs again. "He's not, really, once you get to know him, but in that way, he is. And he's good at this, you know, helping people through the journey to heaven. He was the one who guided me."

"And look how that turned out." The joke falls flat and Minseok feels awkward. "Do you think I would make a good angel?" he asks instead.

Lu looks alarmed by the question. "I don't—well, yes, you probably would, but...you shouldn't think like that. You'd only become an angel if you're not ready for heaven."

"So if there's something holding me back? Someone?" There's nothing like that in his memories so far, but there's a lot still missing. He can't imagine waiting around for his grandmother, but could there be someone else?

"It doesn't have to be someone, but it often is," Lu says, gone quiet.

"It was for you?" Minseok ventures. Lu hesitates for a long moment, and then nods. Something tells Minseok he shouldn't press for details, so instead he asks, "Are you happy with your decision, then?"

This time Lu doesn't hesitate to nod, though there are still complicated emotions plainly written on his face. "Well..." Minseok flashes him what he hopes is a cheering smile. "I hope you keep enjoying being an angel until the person you're waiting for comes. I'm sure he or she will be happy to see you again."

Lu doesn't smile back, only nods again. "I hope so."


* * *

Lu Han is trying not to be obviously on edge, but his patience is wearing thin waiting to find out when and how Minseok will remember him, and how he'll react once he does. He just wants to get it over with instead of waiting and waiting. He wants to get it over with, and the longer it takes, the more guilty he feels about not saying anything to Minseok. He's not really lying to him, but he is hiding the truth.

The next memory Minseok tells him about starts with, "I was at the doctor's office—that is, in a hospital..." but Lu Han doesn't dare get his hopes up this time. Besides, he doesn't really want the first memory of him that Minseok regains to be sitting by his hospital bed. It's not, though, because Minseok continues, "I must have been sick because I had an IV in my arm. I...oh." He breaks off abruptly and Lu Han turns to see him frowning. "I probably know how I died now."

"What happened?"

"Cancer," Minseok says shortly. "The doctor was telling me that I'd run out of treatment options." He's still frowning, but then he shrugs and flashes Lu Han a weak smile. "I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I'm dead no matter what, and I know now that death isn't the end."

"Still," Lu Han says, "that must have been hard. How old were you?"

Minseok stops and thinks about it. "Forty-one. I'd just turned forty-one."

So Minseok lived twelve years after Lu Han. Forty-one is still young to die, but twelve years sounds like a lot to Lu Han, twice as long as they were together. What else happened happened to Minseok in those twelve years Lu Han missed out on?

"I was sick for a while," Minseok continues after a moment. "Years, I think, on and off, but I was still shocked to hear that. I wonder if anyone ever really expects to find out that they're going to die."

Lu Han nods. "Did you have anyone with you?" he asks. He's reaching, selfishly.

Minseok shakes his head and Lu Han tries not to feel happy, because he shouldn't be happy that Minseok was alone. "There wasn't anyone with me at the office. And..." He cocks his head as he thinks, looking cuter than someone his age has any right to be. "I vaguely remember friends visiting me in the hospital. My parents. My sister. No kids except my sister's, and no wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. I would remember that, wouldn't I?"

Lu Han shrugs. "Probably, but it's hard to say."

Minseok sounds a little wistful as he says, "It would've been nice, in a way, but...at least I had family who cared about me, and good friends. Even if I don't remember being in love, I wasn't alone."

Lu Han doesn't trust his voice or what might come out of his mouth if he tried to respond, so he just nods.

Luckily, Minseok's not one to dwell on emotional things, so he quickly changes the subject. "So, what's it going to take to get me to heaven? I remember a lot more now. Isn't it about time?"

"But you don't remember everything." Minseok gives him a strange look, so Lu Han hurriedly adds, "Do you?"

"I guess not," Minseok concedes. "But can we get on with it?" He taps his head as though that will dislodge some hidden memories.

Lu Han laughs. "I'll be sure to pass that on to whoever's in charge of these things, if I ever find out who that is."

He's glad when Minseok smiles at him. "Please do."


* * *

There's a lot on Minseok's mind as he waits for his remaining memories to return. He remembers as close to the beginning of his life as his memories reach, and nearly to the end, but there are still so many gaps in the middle that he's impatient to fill, and it's frustrating having no control over it. Beyond that, remembering his breakdown over the shopping list, he knows there must be something important that happened, and he's nervous about getting those memories back. If something hurt him that much, does he really want to remember it?

He's almost unconsciously bracing himself for that, but the next memory that comes seems to be a good one. He's in an apartment, not his own, at what seems to be a party. The details come back more slowly than the visual, and haphazardly, telling him that it's Jongin's birthday party before he remembers exactly who Jongin is. "I was at a party for my friend's birthday," he tells Lu. "A university party, so...you can imagine."

Lu nods, smiling absently, but then he seems to think of something and his eyes go wide. "What?" Minseok asks.

"Nothing."

Minseok doesn't believe him, but he lets it go, focused on the new memory. "It was pretty crazy," he continues. "Some of Jongin's friends got him really drunk." He laughs at the memory; only Jongin would dance gracefully on top of tables while drunk. "I wasn't quite drunk enough for all the craziness, but it was fun to watch."

"That does sound fun," Lu agrees. "Did you...that is, do you remember anything else about that party?"

It sounds like he's fishing for something, but Minseok can't figure out why. It was just a party, wasn't it? He sorts through his (admittedly somewhat fuzzy thanks to the alcohol) memories of the night, but nothing stands out. "Nothing in particular," he says. "I laughed a lot. Talked to a bunch of people. More people than I'd usually talk to, but I don't remember anyone in particular. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Lu says unconvincingly.

Minseok looks at him, but his expression doesn't give anything away. "You're weird sometimes," he says. "Are all angels like that?"

Lu gives him a small smile. "Just me, I think. And only sometimes."

There's something about that wry smile that tugs at Minseok's memory. "You remind me of someone, I think," he says. Lu makes his startled face again, and Minseok smiles. "I don't know who, though. I wonder if there are still a lot of people I haven't remembered. You'd think by now I would have remembered most people who were important to me." He thinks about crying in his kitchen again and frowns. Surely that must have had to do with someone he cared about. "But I'm pretty sure I haven't remembered everyone yet."

"You will," Lu assures him.

Minseok nods, accepting that; Lu should know better than him how this works. Still, he feels strange to think that there are people who were important to him, and maybe even someone he cared about enough to cry his eyes out over, that he still can't remember. He almost feels guilty, like he owes it to people who mattered to remember them and it's his own fault he hasn't. Could he be subconsciously avoiding remembering someone whose memory will hurt him?

Lu's looking at him curiously, and Minseok realizes he's gone silent, just standing there. "I feel bad," he admits. "If there are important people that I still don't remember."

"It's not your fault," Lu says quickly.

"I know, but I feel it anyway."

Lu smiles that same small smile, a little crooked. "It'll happen soon," he says. "And I'm sure anyone you haven't remembered yet would understand."

"Well, it's not like they'd know anyway," Minseok says, trying to laugh off the awkward moment.

Lu doesn't laugh, just turns away and starts walking again. "Soon," is all he says. "And then it won't matter anymore."


* * *

It's not that Lu Han wants Minseok to feel guilty for not remembering him, but it's almost a relief to know that at least he's aware there's something missing and hoping he'll remember it. Hope had flared up briefly when Minseok mentioned Jongin's birthday party, which was where they met for the first time, but it was such a brief meeting and Minseok was drunk (as was Lu Han), so Lu Han can't blame him for not remembering him from there. Still, he's more than ready for it to happen already.

He and Minseok are both quiet as they walk, lost in though, until Minseok says, "Oh, hey, there's something. It was a wedding."

Did Minseok get married? He didn't remember a wife visiting him in the hospital, but they could have not been together anymore, or he could just have not remembered her yet. Lu Han should be happy if Minseok was happy in those twelve years without him, but he can't help feeling nervous at the thought.

Then Minseok laughs. "I thought for a second it might have been my wedding and felt bad if I'd forgotten my wife, but no. It was my friends' wedding. One of my favorite hyungs and his girlfriend who was a friend too. She's Chinese, like you."

Lu Han knows who he's talking about without any names being given, Changmin and Song Qian. He remembers that wedding well, remembers laughing at the way the bride and groom sniped playfully at each other, and holding Minseok's hand under the table and wishing he could stand in front of their friends and families and marry Minseok like that. It was a fun day, and it's a fond, if slightly bittersweet, memory.

"They were a funny couple," Minseok comments. "A lot of teasing, but you could tell that they loved each other. They're still together now." He's smiling, but there's a distant look in his eyes like his mind is half elsewhere.

Please remember, Lu Han thinks. You're so close. Please remember me.

Suddenly, Minseok lets out a frustrated groan, making Lu Han jump. "Sorry," Minseok says sheepishly. "It's just annoying because I know I was with there with someone, but I can't get at that part of the memory. I remember watching the ceremony and there was someone's hand on my back, and during the reception someone was holding my hand under the table, but I can't see him." He does a doubletake. "Him? See, I even remember it was a guy, but it's just not quite there."

"Soon," Lu Han tells him, trying to sound calm when on the inside, he's thinking, Please please please please please.

"You keep saying that," Minseok says dryly.

Lu Han answers with a grimace, hoping his frustration doesn't show. "Sorry. That's all I've got."

Minseok doesn't respond, his brow furrowing the way it does when he's thinking hard. "I remember something else," he says slowly. "It feels different, but I think it was the same day as that wedding. I was...I was hugging someone. Really tight. I don't remember why yet, but I was happy, and also really...touched. I really loved that person I was hugging. I loved him a lot."

Lu Han holds his breath, hardly daring to hope that the moment he's been waiting for not just since Minseok arrived in between but since he remembered Minseok after his own death all those years ago is finally here. Is this really it or will the memory slip away again?

Minseok's looking down and he's silent for what feels like an eternity, frown deepening. At last, painfully slowly, he looks up. "Lu...Han?"

Lu Han's heart leaps into his throat. "You remember?"

He still can't breathe until Minseok nods, and then he lets everything out in a loud rush before flinging himself at Minseok. He hugs him so tightly it probably hurts, but he can't help it, not when he's been waiting all this time. Minseok fits perfectly into his arms just the way Lu Han remembers, and his heart is full to bursting with complicated feelings, but mostly happiness.

Minseok is quiet and still, not hugging him back, and gradually the awareness of that seeps into Lu Han's consciousness and scares him. Has he made a mistake? Was he right to fear that Minseok had moved on and wouldn't want him anymore even after he remembered? Or is it just too much too soon after Minseok remembered? "Minseok?" he asks tentatively.

"I'm sorry," Minseok says, muffled against Lu Han's chest. "It's just...a lot to take in." A pause, and then he asks, "Why didn't you say anything?" Lu Han doesn't quite know how to answer that, but Minseok doesn't give him a chance anyway. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."

Still so slowly, Minseok lifts his arms and holds Lu Han, not as tight as Lu Han is hugging him, but enough. He lets out a soft sigh and leans into Lu Han. "I missed you," he murmurs. "There's still a lot I don't remember—what happened to you, or...a lot of things—but I remember that I missed you. I didn't forget you."

"Thank you." Lu Han doesn't know if that's the right thing way to respond, but it's what he's thinking, so he says it anyway. "Thank you."


* * *

Minseok's mind is whirling, trying to process everything in it. It's like remembering Lu Han was the trigger to fill in most of the gaps in his memories, probably because a great many of those gaps were Lu Han, or at least were connected to him. He remembers that Lu Han was with him at the wedding, remembers crying over the shopping list Lu Han wrote just before he died, even remembers meeting Lu Han for only a few minutes at Jongin's party.

Lu Han keeps hovering awkwardly, like he wants to help but doesn't know how. Minseok can see that he's happy to be remembered, but nervous too, perhaps about the way he hid the truth from Minseok until now. Maybe Minseok should be annoyed with him, but he can't really be mad when it's clear that Lu Han desperately wanted him to remember too.

"Have you been here this whole time?" he asks Lu Han. "Since you died?" Lu Han nods, and then Minseok remembers something else, not from his life but from what Lu Han said before. "You said you became an angel because someone was holding you back. That was me?"

Lu Han nods again. "It was also because of how I died, young and so suddenly, but a lot of it was because of you." He looks almost sheepish, and it's adorable. "I just wasn't ready to let go of you. Not even to go into heaven."

"You're an idiot," Minseok tells him, but then he laughs and slings an arm around Lu Han's back to pull him close. "Not that I have any room to talk. I couldn't really let go either."

"So you didn't...?" Minseok gives him a confused look, and Lu Han clarifies, "You said you weren't married, but I thought you might have found someone else. Twelve years is a long time."

Minseok thinks about it, but he doubts there's room in the small gaps still remaining in his memories for a serious relationship. "I did try, eventually, and...I did find people, I think, but there wasn't anything that serious. There wasn't anyone like you."

"That's goo—uh..." Lu Han breaks off mid-word but can't seem to figure out how to amend the statement, and Minseok laughs again.

"You can say it's good. I know you. You'd be jealous if there was someone."

"I would be," Lu Han admits. "But I wouldn't want you to be sad. I wouldn't want you to be alone."

"I wasn't," Minseok assures him. He remembers enough now to say that with confidence. "I did have a hard time after you died, but I wasn't ever alone, and there were lots of times when I was happy. When I wasn't crying over shopping lists."

Lu Han laughs. "I hope that didn't happen a lot."

"Just the once." Minseok still has his arm around Lu Han, and he pulls him in for another hug, partly because he's happy and partly to reassure them both that they're together again and everything difficult that happened in the past doesn't matter anymore.

"I'm sorry that you didn't get to live longer," Lu Han says, wrapping his arms tightly around Minseok, "but it's really good to see you again."

"You too." Minseok chuckles softly, thinking. "Would you still be happy to see me if I'd lived until I was old and gray?"

"You do have a little gray," Lu Han says, and Minseok pulls away to punch his shoulder. Lu Han pouts, but his eyes are twinkling with happiness and love. "But I don't care. You're still you." He hesitates for a moment before asking, "Does it matter to you?"

Minseok looks at Lu Han, and now that his memories have solidified, he can see that Lu Han looks exactly the way he did at twenty-nine, when they were together. Surely he has changed on the inside in the intervening years, but so has Minseok, and it doesn't make a difference. He enjoyed Lu Han's company even before he remembered who he was, and now that he has remembered, Minseok's feelings for Lu Han are returning too. He can't say if those feelings have changed, but the love is still there and still strong, and that's all that matters.

"I don't care either," he says. "I was more in denial about it, since I didn't know it would really happen, but I think we were both waiting to meet again. And now that we have...hey, what's twelve years?"

"Exactly," Lu Han agrees, beaming, before he catches Minseok in another hug.


* * *

Minseok says he has all of his memories back, though he's still sorting through them, but the gate to heaven has yet to appear. "What's it waiting for?" he asks Lu Han.

"I don't know. It's supposed to show up when you're ready to go in. Are you?"

Minseok shrugs. "As ready as I'll ever be. There's no going back, but I'm ready to move forward." He looks consideringly at Lu Han. "What about you? Maybe that's the problem."

"What about me?" Lu Han asks, but he gets it almost as soon as he's asked the question. "You mean that I have to be ready too?"

"Are you coming in with me?" Minseok asks. "You were waiting for me, weren't you?"

"I was." Lu Han's been so focused on waiting for Minseok to remember him that he hasn't thought about what comes after, but he can't put it off any longer.

"Don't tell me you're going to ditch me to stay an angel," Minseok teases. "Or did you want both of us to do that and put off heaven forever?"

"I...no, I don't want that." Lu Han tries to fight down what he knows are irrational feelings. Heaven is supposed to be a wonderful place, and he won't keep Minseok from that. He shouldn't keep himself from it any longer either. Minseok is right that this is what he was waiting for.

"Are you scared?" Minseok asks, still gently teasing.

"I'm n—" Lu Han starts to protest reflexively, but stops himself. He doesn't have to lie to Minseok. "A little," he admits. "It just feels so...final."

"You're already dead," Minseok points out dryly. "That's pretty final."

"I know." It makes sense, but he still can't help being nervous about the change. For all that time doesn't feel the same in between, he's spent twelve years as an angel, and that's a long time. It is scary to move on from that permanently.

Minseok studies him for a long moment, then smiles softly. "Let me tell you one more memory. This one you won't know about." He takes Lu Han's forearm, then slides down to hold his hand, lacing their fingers together. "When the doctors told me there wasn't anything more they could do for me, I was upset, and scared too. Dying suddenly is awful, but death can be scarier when you have time to prepare for it, I think."

Lu Han doesn't know where Minseok is going with this, but he listens patiently. "For the first month or so, I was really struggling with it. But then my mom came to visit. She was having trouble accepting it too, and she hadn't visited much because she couldn't handle it, but finally she came. She said, 'I've been thinking a lot about what comes after death. I believe in heaven, but it's still scary, somehow, unknown.

"But then I thought about how Lu Han always took such good care of you, and supported you, and...you were always strong, but with him by your side, you were braver than before. And I thought...if he's waiting for you in heaven, which I'm sure he is, then there's nothing for you to be scared of. I don't know if it'll help you to think about that, but it helps me, to know that even though you're leaving us, you won't be alone.'"

There's a lump in Lu Han's throat, not just from Minseok's words but from the way Minseok is looking at him with so much affection in his eyes that Lu Han wonders how he could have ever worried that Minseok would stop loving him. He smiles hesitantly, and Minseok's answering smile is warm and bright and just for him.

"I thought about that a lot," Minseok continues. "I still didn't want to die, but it helped me make peace with it and not be scared about what would come next. I thought that whatever it was, you had faced it before me, and if you had any say in the matter, I wouldn't go through it alone. And I was right, wasn't I?" He squeezes Lu Han's hand. "So don't be scared. We can face anything together, right?"

Lu Han has to laugh. "And here I thought I'd help you when you died. I didn't think I'd need you to help me go into heaven."

Minseok laughs too. "You did help me, but now it's my turn. So what do you say? Are you ready to go in?"

Lu Han remembers Yixing asking him the same thing what feels like so long ago, and he remembers not feeling ready to let go of his human life and of Minseok most of all. But he has moved on from his human life, bit by bit over the time he's spent as an angel, and now Minseok is here with him, holding his hand tightly. He's still scared, deep down, but it's time. The only thing still holding him back is fear, and he needs to let go of that too.

The gate to heaven appears, a now familiar sight, except that this time Lu Han knows that it's not only for the soul he's guiding but for him too. It's as beautiful as always, and what lies beyond it must be even more so. Lu Han's wondered for as long as he's been in between what heaven is like, but this is the first time he's felt strongly drawn to it, like it's calling him in. The fear isn't gone, but what Minseok's mother said to him is true for Lu Han too: he's braver with Minseok by his side.

"I'm ready when you are," he says firmly.

He looks at Minseok, who smiles, and to Lu Han's eyes, that's almost as bright as the gate itself. "All right," Minseok says. "Then let's go."

Minseok takes a step forward, pulling Lu Han with him, and Lu Han's fear melts away before the beauty of the gate and the comfort of Minseok beside him. They walk right up to the gate and then together, without hesitation, they step through.